I sure wish I had the free time that the people who go under the speed limit must have.  I will never in my life understand that... and I realize it's just that I'm inpatient and borderline insane on the roads, but still.  Clogs.  That's what they are.  And not the cute ones with furry trim on the inside that go well with my new skinny jeans.

Does it bother you when my blogs don't flow nicely?  I mean, I ask never expecting an answer because it will say 140 new views and only 2 people will comment.  You should just say hello at least.  Leave  me a recipe for some corn chowder or a Christmas photo of your dog.  Something.  I mean, be grateful I'm even writing... do you have any clue how behind I am in paperwork?

Ugh.  Paperwork.  In nursing school they teach you how to assess a patient from head to toe (never gonna use half of that crap), they teach you about these brilliant things called care plans (I think I made one once.  In a psych hospital.  Everyone laughed at my spunk bc they're ALREADY MADE SOMEWHERE for you to use), they teach you about all sorts of conditions that you will never ever see in your entire nursing career and spend way too little time focusing on stuff that matters - like how to be nice to people or how to pick up the slack from the people working under you who tend to treat patients like shit.  But man, they don't prepare you for the amount of paperwork you have to do.  I seriously look at a patient for 15 minutes and then have about 15 different reports to generate.  "Oh, Grandma stubbed her toe?  Well, let's take a look and see if I can write a small novel on the frailty of elderly skin and the onset of diabetic neuropathy and while I'm at it, I will educate the staff on foot care and follow it all up with 16 nursing assessments".  You know.  To make the state happy.  They never seem to care if I'm nice or not.  Just sayin.

Prior to Thanksgiving I had 4 Thanksgiving dinners at 4 of my assisted livings (I don't own them.  They're just mine by default so don't think I'm being all snobby or anything). I had more to add here, but I lost it when I got a text notification that Old Navy was having a sale and I ventured over there mid thought to purchase a discounted cardigan.  Stupid Adult ADD.  Please forgive.

I was listening to Christmas songs with the boys and Wyatt always picks the "Ranned Over Reindeer One". (Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer).  After the song was over, he turns to me - and I can't even make this stuff up - and says "Not sure who this Grandma is, but she's not very street smart.  Old ladies shouldn't be outside running the streets".  Bwahahahahahaha.  He's five.  Very intuitive this kid.  And way to smart for his own good, I think.

Brief Review of New Thor Movie:  More Shirtless Blonde guy; less Natalie Portman.  I do love me some Kat Dennings though.  If she weren't in it, I probably wouldn't have liked it nearly as much.  Oh - go look her up... you should know who she is.  You should be ashamed of yourself.

Is it wrong for me to end this blog now?  It's not one of my gems, but it got you away from that mail-order Chinese Bride website.  Dude, it's Christmas time.  Don't spend your money on that when you could be buying me something instead.  For shame!

I haven't blogged in awhile and I could really list the number of reasons why here - in easy-to-read bulleted fashion for you.  It's the same as always - life gets in my way.  It crowds me in and doesn't leave any gaps of time to myself.  I get snippets here and there... mostly at night. I waste them stalking people on Facebook or trying to outsmart someone in Words with Friends.  Yesterday, I played a 111 point word.  Extras.  That was the word.  Don't be jealous.... all Words with Friends is based on is luck.  Luck and the experience of being a psych nurse on the 7p-7a shift in a unit with insomniac rapists and murderers who liked Scrabble.  Does that sound interesting?  Scary?  Yeah... sure am glad that job is over and done with.

I thought 2011 was a shitty year with my mother dying unexpectedly (drugs.  I mean, the death certificate said natural causes, but lets be honest here - it was the drugs that did her away.).  Then, followed 2012 when I went through my horrible divorce and suffered name-calling and mud flinging at the hands of my jealous and emotionally immature ex husband.  Oh, and I got my heart trampled on by someone I thought was sincere.  Let's not forget that.  Maybe *that* year was bad.  But, never to be outdone is 2013, sliding in to take an ever pressing 1st place.  Death of someone close AND my ex husband is being a dick. All in the same year.  Congrats 2013, you conniving bastard. You win.  There's no metal to give out, but you've done it.....top prize for you.  

The problem with losing my nephew is that I feel like it's not in my place to be sad.  See, my sister and I - we're all we've got over here in Maryland.  I don't have a mom or dad.  No grandparents.  No aunts or uncles really. Just her.  And she gets to be devastated, you know?  Because she's Mom.  She's the one who grew him in her belly and took him to therapy and found his body. Sigh. I'm just a bystander.  So then why do I feel so much guilt? Oh, right... because similar to my mother, I checked out of the Zachary issues when they were getting to be too much for me to handle.  Tough love and all that.  I was the same with my Mom.  You have to wanna get better, buddy.  That's what I'd tell him the few times we spoke.  You have to stop cutting yourself and straighten up.  You really don't have that much to be sad about.

Easy for me to say. Because, I gotta be honest - it's real easy to feel abandoned even when you have a lot going for you in life.  Truth.

I remember one year when I took Zach with me on vacation (bc in my early 20's, that's what I did... I took him with me everywhere) and he was the most well-behaved kid on the trip.  I don't think I yelled at him one time.  He had such a good time getting buried in the sand and playing with me at the house.. and I remember on the way back from NC, I tried to stop at McDonalds so he could use the bathroom (he was 5) and it was one of those exits where they say there's a McDonalds - but really it's off another exit off that exit and then up a ways. It's such a tease.  "McDonalds, next left.  Then, a mile up the road, then a right, then a U-turn, then go through a toll booth and across a river.  You might have to travel by donkey". That's what it should REALLY say. So that by the time I would find the McDonalds, Zach would have peed himself in the back seat.  His little angelic face... I'm so sorry, Aunt Jessie, he'd say.  I just couldn't hold it in any longer.  And I didn't care.  Not too much.  I was just mad because I wanted fries.....bc see, this food addict thing's been around forever.

The holidays are here and I don't even care.  Halloween came and went and I put on a happy face and pretended to laugh at the annual party I throw for my kids and I gawked at the trick-or-treaters on Halloween night in their festive costumes (saw an awesome Edward the scissorhands) and played it up (should get an Academy Award for this stuff).  Cause Halloween is my dig.  It's my go-to celebratory time before all this shitty feel-good crap starts and that stupid song about the girl buying her dead mother shoes starts playing on the radio and I wonder what's wrong with me that I'm not excited about Christmas and New Year's.  Because every year they've been preceded by sadness.  And because if you don't have much of a family, the holidays are just like every other day really. Well, really they are about my kids and even they are sadder this year.

God, I sound so bitter.  I'm not usually like this, I swear.  I'm usually upbeat and funny and making jokes... at the very least, I'm talking about food.  That's what I do, right?  Make jokes and talk about food?  And make fun of myself? I should have taken a longer break from blogs.

I don't know how to end this so I will just state that this holiday season, you should focus on being kind.  It's not hard you know - being kind.  If I had one wish, it would be that people would just be nicer to one another.  That's all.  Not millions of dollars or a night with Ryan Reynolds - just kinder, more thoughtful people.  Can you make that happen for me please?  In exchange, I promise my next blog will be more upbeat. At least I will try my hardest to make it seem that way.

Here's hoping.

Here's something new for y'all:  I'm annoyed.  Yes, yes, I know - I complain like all the time.  It's what I do.  I complain a lot.  I eat a lot.  I roll my eyes a lot.  You can't tell but I'm actually rolling my eyes right now.  And I'm typing this while I'm pooping*.

What am I annoyed by, you ask?  Well for starters, those stupid stick figure families I keep seeing on the back of vehicles.  They're obnoxious.  Sidebar:  Just in case you were wondering, I don't really care what kind of grades your kid is getting in elementary school.  I get that you're a proud mom and everything.  I get that you want total strangers that you are cutting off in traffic to know that you're not a complete failure in the parenting of your child.  No really, I get it.  But it's annoying.  Secondly, I don't really care that you'd rather be golfing.  I wish you were, in fact, golfing - instead of clogging up my lane on 95 and thirdly, I don't *really* need to know how many people are in your family (including your dog and or cat).  I mean, what about a pet turtle?  Is there a pet turtle stick figure?  Or a fish?  I've also never seen a stick figure in a wheelchair.  Plus, lets be honest - most people in this country are fat.  Stick figures?  Seems a bit ironic, no?  Here, for reference:


Stick figures that got left out.  Don't judge me.  It's been a long day. 

I mean, what about my Uncle Jim, who has one short arm that has a tiny hand growing out of it?  Or what if there's a dead person in the family?  I think that they should have a spot too.  To be fair, I should mention that I don't really have an Uncle Jim with a short arm (please don't go all politically correct on me and rant about how wrong it is to make fun of people with disabilities.  I know it's mean.  I'm a mean person.  If you haven't gathered that by now reading this blog, you are both clueless and annoying.)  Secondly, I have not (at least not yet) googled these stick figure items to see if they actually exist.  They might.  But I haven't seen them on any cars in the Baltimore Metro area, and frankly it annoys me.  Which is the topic of this here blog, and every blog.  Things that annoy Jess. 

In case you care, I started doing a semi-Paleo diet.  I know what you're thinking.  You're probably saying to yourself "first it was weight watchers and then juicing, now it's the Paleo diet.  What's next?  Nothing but grapefruits & cabbage soup (gross)?".  I change my eating habits often, it's true.  And I talk about food entirely way too much.  I also have a weird stalker-ish obsession with Johnny Depp - but that's off topic.  Anyway, I've been contemplating all things food related (shocking) and I've decided to wean my children off the SAD (standard American diet) - or as I sometimes shorten it to "McSad" - and want to start introducing them to better eats.  You know because it's better for them and stuff.  I haven't done a hell of a lot of research on Paleo.  I've read enough to know, however, that eating a crap-ton of processed food items filled with fake hormones and chemicals will eventually make you grown an extra ear in the middle of your foreheads**.  I imagine, if we continue to eat in this manner, that our children's children's children may have to endure the effects of all this crapola and I'd rather prepare my bunch for better things.  You get me?  I never thought I'd be *that* mom - sending in homemade organic meat products and cut up veggies, but alas.  I am.  Or at least I will be.  Soon, I hope.  I'm trying to gradually make the switch and figure out what I can get away with.  In the meantime, I'm trying to adapt to this myself.  First, I took away gluten.  Well wait, FIRST - I quit my not-so-secret-but-sorta-secret smoking habit.  Cold turkey.  I don't miss it too much.  That's a lie.  THEN, I quit my coke-zero-pepsi-max habit.  This has actually proved to be much harder than the cigs.  Serious.  If I told you that I haven't had one of these within the week, I'd be straight up lying.  But I'm doing better.  Small steps, y'all.  Small steps.  But the first thing I did with my kids, was start to take away gluten.  I could go on about gluten and why it's not so good here, but I don't feel like it.  If you're so interested in gluten, why don't you just google it yourself?***

So people are all "oooooo, you're on a special diet".  No I'm not.  I hate that.  Special diets are like my surrogate mom who can't have nuts and seeds on account of her diverticulitis**** & this kid I used to babysit who is allergic to a ton of stuff.  What I'm doing is simply changing the way I eat for the better.  And you should to.  No, really, you should.  Before a diet filled with junk makes you disease-ridden & ugly*****. 

I thought I had more to write here, but I have to go now.  It's getting late and I have to cook a three-course meal, knit sweaters for the children & finish this stack of books on French poetry.  Well, more like one course meal.  I'm making meat.  In a crock pot.  Plus, I don't know how to knit. And by French poetry I mean Us Weekly.  Don't judge me.

*Not really.  I don't have a plug in my bathroom and I like to take my time in there.  It's the only peace and quiet I get.  Honest.

**Also, cancer.

***Or you could just assume I always know what I'm talking about.  Which I do.

****It's a long word, I know.  Sound it out.

*****There's no proof bad eating will make you ugly.  You know what will though?  Not commenting.

The world is filled with half-ass advice.  Drink less booze - red wine is good for the heart.  Fruit is the same as a Snicker's bar - eat a shit ton of bananas if you want to live forever.  Smoking will give you lung cancer - cigarettes are actually full of antioxidants.  Ok.  That last one is a lie.  There is absolutely no rebuttal for the woes of smoking.  It's such a sin really.  Not even remotely cool anymore on any level.  But so so good.  I miss it every day.  (You hear that Marlboro Light Menthols.  I think about you every day.  You're like the man who dumped me).

Only I've never been dumped.  True story.  I've always been the dumper.  My therapist would have a theory on that I'm sure.  She'd say (in a Jennifer Tilly style voice, because in my head - all women sounds like Jennifer Tilly), she'd say "Jessica: maybe you are dumping them because you aren't willing to accept that everyone has flaws.  Maybe, just maybe - you want to be the one to walk away because you are scared of everyone leaving you first".  Or something like that.  And then she will nod her head a few times, chew on the top of her pen and write into her leather portfolio notebook (I think it's a shopping list for groceries) and then the hour session will be over and I will leave $120 poorer with the knowledge of shit that I already think about & wish wasn't wrong with me.  Only now it's been verified by some nicely dressed stranger in a cold, too clean room with expensive furniture by someone with way more college degrees hanging on the wall than I have.  Stupid therapist.

No, really - this conversation didn't really happen.  I mean, not exactly in that manner.  I've been to a therapist and the office has been cold and I have been $100+ poorer when I left... but I never did talk to anyone about being the one who dumps my boyfriends before they had a chance to dump me.  I mean, why bother when I'm pretty sure of how the conversation will go.  I don't like to pay people for shit I already know.  It's why I don't buy newspapers.

Article about a stabbing.  Article about the stupid Maryland weather ("60 on Wednesday.  -22 on Thursday.  Keep Out Your Sweaters! Ha Ha Tulips - You Thought Spring Was Coming... You've Been Punked!").  Article about government agenda that is biased and unoriginal and skewed to the right (or left, depending on which publication & who is sponsoring).  Blah blah blah.  You get my point. 

Wow.  I'm all over the place.  That's different.

I'm trying to eat healthier these days (ZOMG, she's talking about food.  Again.)  yeah, so?  If you didn't already know that my blog was about food addiction and the plight of being a chunkadunk in a perfectionist world, then why are you even here?  It's certainly not for the recipes*!  At any rate, I'm trying to eat healthier (am too!) and I've been researching everything from juice fasting (I did it for 9 days and lost 8 lbs - no joke) & eating clean (which, contrary to what I first believed does not mean that I can have a Berger Cookie as long as I wash it first) & going vegan (which I could never do for the simple fact that this plan doesn't allow bacon in any form) & doing the smoothie thing (only non-food addict people can replace a meal with a smoothie and feel like they've eaten something.  I don't care if you put 4 cheeseburgers & fries into the blender, if I can't chew it - it ain't a meal.  It's just not).  All of this so at the end of the day, I can pass my expertise on the proper way to eat along to you - the mass** of adoring Jess fans who want to know the secret to looking like a super model without the starvation/ hard work.   Here's the secret, are you ready?  You got a pen out and a piece of paper?   Move your junk.  Eat less junk.  There.  6 words to health....

*I think I put the recipe up once for deep fried Oreos. This seems counterproductive right now so we will just pretend it was a great recipe for beet salad instead.

**Mass = 6 readers

I do really wish there were more of an awareness to what people are actually putting in their mouths.  It's sad.  The food industry (every industry really) isn't in it to figure out what's best for you.  It's in it for the dollar. And the only way to put a halt to the abysmal situation of all things food is to not consume it in the first place.  So it has to stop at your mouth, people.  Because no one is looking out for you except for, well - you.  It's really that simple. And really, this isn't just about eating but about life in general.  Of course, I'm no expert but I know what works for me.  And I really really really want other people to benefit from my wisdom as well as my massive amount of mistakes.  The best thing I can do in retribution (besides revenge, which sometimes sounds oh-so good) is to spread the word to those who are willing to hear it.  Not to get all Doogie Howser, MD on you. 

So to sum up:

1.  Look out for yourself, no one else is gonna do it for you.  Stop waiting for a miracle or for the circumstances to be "right".  Time is slipping by and before you know it you will be 40 with nothing to show for yourself.  Life is too short to waste time.  Just do something.

2.  To lose weight, follow these basic steps:  Eat less.  Look on the list of ingredients and if you cannot pronounce most of them, don't eat it.  Better yet - stick with things that have no label at all.  Oranges.  Broccoli.  Swiss Chard, etc.  Oh, and try to move more than normal.  I (seriously) like to park far away from the entrance at the store.  It forces me to walk further and it's less crowded with lazy people, assholes & carts.  Try it sometime.

3.  Meditate.  Wait, wait wait - hear me out.  I know, you probably hear the word meditate and think of some Asian guy in a pastel robe with no hair sitting Indian style in a hut humming a mantra.  Ok, maybe you don't think that.  I probably took it too far (don't I always?)  But you probably think it's hokey.  I thought it was a little too.  Until I started to do it.  Read a book about it.  Go online and research it.  Take a moment (even if it's a minute) and just sit with yourself and try to not focus on nothing other than breathing and right now.  Don't think about your dishes or your messy bathroom or your paperwork from school or the mistake you made last week/month/year.  Just focus on the moment.  You'll be surprised how much of a difference it can make.  And if you think it's dumb and doesn't work just keep at it.... it never hurts to just give it a go*

*Beethoven was told he was stupid.  Luckily, he ignored that shit and went with his gut instinct that told him he was awesome.  Go with your gut.  Be Beethoven.

On that note, I'm out of here.  Happy Early St. Patty's Day to all my Irish friends.  If you're feeling festive, go out and have a few green beers.  Or be like me and celebrate St. Patty's without the booze and subsequent arrest for public intoxication.  Or just shave your pubic hair in the shape of a three leaf clover (just in case).

I'm having a good month.  Despite the haters and naysayers, my Baltimore Ravens are going to the Superbowl.  This is after stomping on the Colts & their fancy, new, young quarterback (insert "Luck" joke here); after coming back to win against Denver in probably the best football game I've ever seen in my adult life (I use "seen" loosely here as I was such a nervous wreck the entire game, I had to listen to it from the other room in a Xanax-induced stupor and send in Wesley for a play-by-play every time I heard cheers from the other room.  That Justin Tucker is an awesome guy*)... then they wrapped the whole thing up by crushing that pretty-boy Tom Brady, even after his sly attempt to kick Ed Reed in the junk.  And even though the refs and the sports commentators seemed anti-Baltimore (don't they always?), we out-gamed the poor Pats and sent them boo-hooing out of the stadium.  I like to think that Tommy Boy went home and sobbed into his wife's cleavage**.

*A devout catholic, Justin used his faith to kick 47-yards in the game against Denver, sending us to the AFC championship game.  See, even God is rooting for the Ravens.

**That's what I'd do.  Wouldn't you?

My prediction for the Superbowl is irrelevant at this point.  I can't speak too much about the 49ers because I'm not that well-versed on all things football and, well, the only thing I know for sure about that team is that they're from San Fran (one of my most favorite places ever) and that the quarterback is one who "runs".  Meaning, rather than standing still and tossing the ball, he actually takes the thing and goes places with it.  That's it.  That's all I got.  And I could look up some information on the team, but I'd rather wait it out with the thought that we will most definitely win because, well, we should.  We've been through a lot and we have the better name***.

***What the hell is a 49er?  Gay. Gay. Gay. Surely they could've come up with a better name for a team.  Even Wesley couldn't make sense of it.  "So the team name is '49ers'?  That's kind of a dumb name, Mom.  It's just a number with 'er' at the end".  True story, buddy. 

I wanted to blog about my recent jaunt to the West coast to see my awesome friend Kristi, but I still need to upload the photos & I feel like I've already gone on and on about football stuff so I will save it for next time.  I will however, post a shameless self-photo so you can see my awesome new hair, courtesy of the squirrel.  It should be noted that I did not go all the way to Portland just to get my hair did... but seeing her for the first time in years and not having her work her magic would just be a waste.  It would be like going to a David Hasselhoff concert and not having my boobs autographed****.



****don't knock the music till you've given it a chance.  "Looking for Freedom" makes my heart flutter.  For reals.

Until next time, blog reader.  Enjoy your weekend & keep being kind to others.  Unless, of course, they like the Pittsburgh Steelers.

I don't handle change very well - I've decided.  And it's not that I don't want to... because I'd love to be a more go-with-the-flow kinda gal.  But I struggle with this.  So keep this in mind when you are delivering me bad news or trying to tell me I smell bad or something.  I might seem to handle it well on the outside, but inside I'm a crumbling, hideous mess.

The year is almost over.  I thought for sure that this year would be better than 2011, but it turns out it was just as crap-filled.  I mean, some things worked out for the better... I got a new job, for example.  But for the most part, emotionally, this has been a year of turbulence.  And change.  Yet again.

A year ago I wrote a blog about people & relationships using the metaphor of furniture... talked about what furniture is really  made out of and how you should surround yourself with quality stuff.  Even if it seems, at the time, to be covered in cheap paint.  Blah blah blah.  You know, I could link it here if I felt like it but (you should be used to this) - I don't.  I'm lazy and unmotivated..... not sure if it's an emotional drain or if it's a result of eating crap non-stop for two days.  The holidays are a bust on my psyche.  Anyway, as it turns out (and keeping with the whole furniture theme), I actually was using cheap IKEA shit the whole time... you know, one of those semi-fancy pieces from the store that looks like it might be nice to have but that actually breaks the minute any pressure is put on it.  So jokes on me.  I guess I should learn an important lesson here about not putting all my money (and emotion, and time) into something that ultimately proved to be cheaply made and easily broken.  I should have just gone without furniture.  Or gotten a hammock.  Oooo, or some of that Amish furniture.. that stuff lasts and lasts.  LOL.  And if I could also figure out a metaphor here that would explain how said furniture was actually just using me, I would - but that just doesn't make sense.   Plus, I seem bitter.  Which, don't get me wrong, I am at times... it's hard to give of yourself so emotionally, financially... physically, with everything you have and it turns out it was all for nothing.  A slap in the face, really.  I guess the lesson here is that I should listen more to my head (and every sane person I am friends with/related to) and realize the obvious signs of being used.  And perhaps stop finding guys on undercoverdouchebags.com.  I'm going to try really hard to not have the whole experience turn me into some bitter anti-love recluse.  Fingers crossed.

While I am making promises to myself about 2013, I'd like to make it very clear that my eating and exercise habits have spiraled out of control.  I'm not grossly overweight... in fact, I think I weigh less this year than I did last, but I'm feeling crappy and I think a lot of it has to do with the accumulation of shit-filled, carb loaded junk I've been shoveling into my face for the last year or two.  I am making a vow this year to stop with the crap diet and do something different lest I end up weighing a metric ton and having to go away to summer fat camp (which, I'd totally do BTW.  I would.) Jamie got me a juicer for Christmas (before you get all "what?!  A guy got you a juicer?!", it's totally what I asked for) and I'm going to start using it come January so I don't die from obesity/malnourishment like every other person on an American diet.

Wow.  This is a negative blog.  I have to say if there's one saving grace for the holidays it's having two little guys who are awesome and who adore me and who don't really see all the extra crap that's going on emotionally in my life.  Anytime I'm feeling worthless I just look to them and I'm instantly reminded that not only do I make a difference but that I'm unconditionally loved by two of the cutest, smartest guys a mom could ask for.  And that's awesome.  I'm so incredibly glad that I'm a mom to them.. it's been such a joy filled ride (stressful at times, no doubt) but it's been eye-opening.  No matter what I am feeling or how much I have going on in my messed up brain, I still am just Mom to them.  So there's an important lesson in that too.  i just hope I can raise them with as much moral conscious as I have.... you know, without messing them up too much.  It's a hard world out there & i can't imagine what it will be like in a few decades when I'm old and wasting away.  (Unless I die of a massive heart attack, which if I don't change my eating habits is bound to happen in the next few years).  I digress...

So to sum up.... Lessons from 2012 to Learn & Live By:

1.  If it walks like a douchebag & talks like a douchebag.... well, you know the rest.  But seriously, invest your time in people who are willing to invest time in you.  Life is short.
2.  Eat better.  It's not as much fun, but I promise it will make you feel better.
3.  Be morally correct.  Be kind.  Stop worrying about yourself... you're really not that big of a deal.  You don't always have to be right.  You don't always have to be in first place. Just be kind.  It's really not so hard.
4.  Post more comments on Jess' blog.  Cause she's awesome & could use the boost.  (figured I'd throw that in for good measure)

I'm sorry this blog doesn't have much of my fanciful prose and sarcastic banter.  I'm in a weird place right now.  On the neuro front, I have to get yet another spinal tap as recent changes in my every-six-months MRI weren't enough to convince the doctor that I have a messed up brain.  Lately, my symptoms have included this lovely thing called trigeminal neuralgia which feels like the after-math jaw pain of a root canal only without the added bonus of having the teeth removed.  And it comes in waves and makes me not want to open my mouth to even speak.  So there's that.  Hey - that might help with the diet.  So, silver lining!

If I don't talk to you beforehand, have a safe and happy New Year.  Please.   Don't drink and drive.  And keep in touch with the people that matter to you... because that's what life is all about.

It's the end of the world as we know it.  And I feel fine.

Do you feel fine?  You should you know.  You shouldn't let the planets lining up and the threat of spontaneous earthquakes & zombie Apocalypse stop you from feeling okay.  That would be a waste.  Spend these last few days of civilization having a blast.  Go out dancing.  Eat an ice cream sundae.  Call your mother.  Go ahead, add the bacon. 

Wait.  Read this blog first.  I mean, it's the least you could do before all hell breaks loose.

I honestly have no idea what the predictions are for 12/21.  I stopped reading about it years ago after being obsessed with it for a few weeks and finding myself signing up for waiting lists for underground tombs and lotteries for space travel that might "save" me.  I got so paranoid about it, that I couldn't sleep (really I never do, so I'm not sure how this made a difference) and between that and the tsunami documentary on Discovery channel, was forced to increase my anti-anxiety medications against doctor's orders. I make it a point now not to even introduce anything potentially life-altering or natural disaster-ish into my brain.  It's too hard to get it out of there.  It's like every Hall & Oates song. 

It's that rough patch of year where I try to get through the end of the holidays to the beginning of the next year unscathed.  I didn't buy very much in the way of Christmas presents this year... not because I didn't want to but because financially I'm in a sinking ship.  Last year I got most of my Christmas presents on credit (it's the American way!) and this year I have no room left to even buy myself a tank of gas.  I get so sick of people making the assumption that because I'm a nurse, I make loads of money.  I really do believe that the more money you make, the more trouble you find yourself in and the more likely it is that you can't make ends meet.  At least for the average person.  I have 50k in debt from school... and, no - nursing school WASN'T actually that expensive, but having a newborn and a 4 year old at that time wasn't cost-effective.  And if anyone reading this has children (young children) you know how expensive daycare costs are.  Particularly for a newborn.  I think at one point in nursing school I was paying like 1200 dollars a month just for childcare.  All funded by school loans.  It seemed like a smart idea at the time.  Of course, flash forward a bunch of years and I've deferred my student loans so much that they actually told me the last time I did it that I wasn't allowed to push them back any further.  I'd reached "maximum deferment status".  A fancy term that really means "Pay the shit back, already".

Wouldn't that be funny if instead of wording things so business like - if places just told you straight up what was going on?  Like instead of a turn-off notice from the electric company, you just got a post card that said "Hope You Like The Dark"?   Invoices that are like "if you've already paid this notice, please disregard" would say "If you already made the late payment, you slacker - go ahead and make this letter into an origami Ninja star and poke yourself in the eye with it.  P.S.  Thanks for making me waste my ink, time & postage because of your consistent procrastination".  

"Dear Gullible Consumer,
You haven't really won anything despite the claims on the outside of this envelope.  In fact, the odds that you would win anything in life randomly via the mail are about 1 in 1 billion.  You have a better chance of catching syphilis.  Nonetheless, we would very much like it if you subscribed to our magazine/bought our "trial" product/donated to our fake charity/applied for this credit card that will leave you flat broke.  Please fill out and return the following form so we can rest assured that your name and address, in fact, do belong on this list of 'Stupid People Who Will Believe Anything'.  I hope you like my fancy, extra bold font & official looking bar code that I just doodled on here with a sharpie"...

You get what I'm saying.

Things I'd like for Christmas (seems appropriate):

1.  An app for the iphone for detecting douche bags.  There may be one, I'm not sure.  But if the iphone can tell me if I'm naughty or nice or point out ghosts in the vicinity - I should be able to hold it up to a guy at a bar and have Siri tell me to keep walking. It would be really awesome if the app would just tell me what's wrong with him and then let me decide.  "This guy has a vagina".  You know, something of that nature.

2.  I don't necessarily want a merkin, but I was very surprised to find this one on ebay.  I guess if you're going to a "Dress like a 1970's hippy nudist" party, maybe you could wear this?  You know, without having to experience the actual annoyance of growing out your own pubes?  I didn't really even read it too much, so I don't know if it's used. Sidebar:  please do not purchase this for me.

3.  I actually don't want anything.  Nor do I really need anything.  Who really NEEDS anything?  Every year, you get all these gifts and really it would be so much better if people were just nicer.  Can we bottle that and give it away?  It doesn't cost anything to be nice.  It's free.  Smile more.  Compliment a stranger.  Gather up all the crap you're not using and give it away to someone who will.  Put your neighbors trash can back against the house.  Have a conversation with the person checking you out at the grocery store.  I couldn't tell you how many times I've had meaningful conversations with random cashiers at stores.  They always seem so grateful that I'd even be interested... So yeah, be nice.  I could go on and on and on.... Just hurry up and do it now because you never know what could happen tomorrow, or next week.  Or later today.  Live for the now, people.  It's all you got.

OK.  I'm done now.  If the world ends this week or I get lazy and don't come back till next year (more likely), be safe and have a happy holiday.