I haven't blogged in awhile and I could really list the number of reasons why here - in easy-to-read bulleted fashion for you.  It's the same as always - life gets in my way.  It crowds me in and doesn't leave any gaps of time to myself.  I get snippets here and there... mostly at night. I waste them stalking people on Facebook or trying to outsmart someone in Words with Friends.  Yesterday, I played a 111 point word.  Extras.  That was the word.  Don't be jealous.... all Words with Friends is based on is luck.  Luck and the experience of being a psych nurse on the 7p-7a shift in a unit with insomniac rapists and murderers who liked Scrabble.  Does that sound interesting?  Scary?  Yeah... sure am glad that job is over and done with.

I thought 2011 was a shitty year with my mother dying unexpectedly (drugs.  I mean, the death certificate said natural causes, but lets be honest here - it was the drugs that did her away.).  Then, followed 2012 when I went through my horrible divorce and suffered name-calling and mud flinging at the hands of my jealous and emotionally immature ex husband.  Oh, and I got my heart trampled on by someone I thought was sincere.  Let's not forget that.  Maybe *that* year was bad.  But, never to be outdone is 2013, sliding in to take an ever pressing 1st place.  Death of someone close AND my ex husband is being a dick. All in the same year.  Congrats 2013, you conniving bastard. You win.  There's no metal to give out, but you've done it.....top prize for you.  

The problem with losing my nephew is that I feel like it's not in my place to be sad.  See, my sister and I - we're all we've got over here in Maryland.  I don't have a mom or dad.  No grandparents.  No aunts or uncles really. Just her.  And she gets to be devastated, you know?  Because she's Mom.  She's the one who grew him in her belly and took him to therapy and found his body. Sigh. I'm just a bystander.  So then why do I feel so much guilt? Oh, right... because similar to my mother, I checked out of the Zachary issues when they were getting to be too much for me to handle.  Tough love and all that.  I was the same with my Mom.  You have to wanna get better, buddy.  That's what I'd tell him the few times we spoke.  You have to stop cutting yourself and straighten up.  You really don't have that much to be sad about.

Easy for me to say. Because, I gotta be honest - it's real easy to feel abandoned even when you have a lot going for you in life.  Truth.

I remember one year when I took Zach with me on vacation (bc in my early 20's, that's what I did... I took him with me everywhere) and he was the most well-behaved kid on the trip.  I don't think I yelled at him one time.  He had such a good time getting buried in the sand and playing with me at the house.. and I remember on the way back from NC, I tried to stop at McDonalds so he could use the bathroom (he was 5) and it was one of those exits where they say there's a McDonalds - but really it's off another exit off that exit and then up a ways. It's such a tease.  "McDonalds, next left.  Then, a mile up the road, then a right, then a U-turn, then go through a toll booth and across a river.  You might have to travel by donkey". That's what it should REALLY say. So that by the time I would find the McDonalds, Zach would have peed himself in the back seat.  His little angelic face... I'm so sorry, Aunt Jessie, he'd say.  I just couldn't hold it in any longer.  And I didn't care.  Not too much.  I was just mad because I wanted fries.....bc see, this food addict thing's been around forever.

The holidays are here and I don't even care.  Halloween came and went and I put on a happy face and pretended to laugh at the annual party I throw for my kids and I gawked at the trick-or-treaters on Halloween night in their festive costumes (saw an awesome Edward the scissorhands) and played it up (should get an Academy Award for this stuff).  Cause Halloween is my dig.  It's my go-to celebratory time before all this shitty feel-good crap starts and that stupid song about the girl buying her dead mother shoes starts playing on the radio and I wonder what's wrong with me that I'm not excited about Christmas and New Year's.  Because every year they've been preceded by sadness.  And because if you don't have much of a family, the holidays are just like every other day really. Well, really they are about my kids and even they are sadder this year.

God, I sound so bitter.  I'm not usually like this, I swear.  I'm usually upbeat and funny and making jokes... at the very least, I'm talking about food.  That's what I do, right?  Make jokes and talk about food?  And make fun of myself? I should have taken a longer break from blogs.

I don't know how to end this so I will just state that this holiday season, you should focus on being kind.  It's not hard you know - being kind.  If I had one wish, it would be that people would just be nicer to one another.  That's all.  Not millions of dollars or a night with Ryan Reynolds - just kinder, more thoughtful people.  Can you make that happen for me please?  In exchange, I promise my next blog will be more upbeat. At least I will try my hardest to make it seem that way.

Here's hoping.