Here's something new for y'all:  I'm annoyed.  Yes, yes, I know - I complain like all the time.  It's what I do.  I complain a lot.  I eat a lot.  I roll my eyes a lot.  You can't tell but I'm actually rolling my eyes right now.  And I'm typing this while I'm pooping*.

What am I annoyed by, you ask?  Well for starters, those stupid stick figure families I keep seeing on the back of vehicles.  They're obnoxious.  Sidebar:  Just in case you were wondering, I don't really care what kind of grades your kid is getting in elementary school.  I get that you're a proud mom and everything.  I get that you want total strangers that you are cutting off in traffic to know that you're not a complete failure in the parenting of your child.  No really, I get it.  But it's annoying.  Secondly, I don't really care that you'd rather be golfing.  I wish you were, in fact, golfing - instead of clogging up my lane on 95 and thirdly, I don't *really* need to know how many people are in your family (including your dog and or cat).  I mean, what about a pet turtle?  Is there a pet turtle stick figure?  Or a fish?  I've also never seen a stick figure in a wheelchair.  Plus, lets be honest - most people in this country are fat.  Stick figures?  Seems a bit ironic, no?  Here, for reference:


Stick figures that got left out.  Don't judge me.  It's been a long day. 

I mean, what about my Uncle Jim, who has one short arm that has a tiny hand growing out of it?  Or what if there's a dead person in the family?  I think that they should have a spot too.  To be fair, I should mention that I don't really have an Uncle Jim with a short arm (please don't go all politically correct on me and rant about how wrong it is to make fun of people with disabilities.  I know it's mean.  I'm a mean person.  If you haven't gathered that by now reading this blog, you are both clueless and annoying.)  Secondly, I have not (at least not yet) googled these stick figure items to see if they actually exist.  They might.  But I haven't seen them on any cars in the Baltimore Metro area, and frankly it annoys me.  Which is the topic of this here blog, and every blog.  Things that annoy Jess. 

In case you care, I started doing a semi-Paleo diet.  I know what you're thinking.  You're probably saying to yourself "first it was weight watchers and then juicing, now it's the Paleo diet.  What's next?  Nothing but grapefruits & cabbage soup (gross)?".  I change my eating habits often, it's true.  And I talk about food entirely way too much.  I also have a weird stalker-ish obsession with Johnny Depp - but that's off topic.  Anyway, I've been contemplating all things food related (shocking) and I've decided to wean my children off the SAD (standard American diet) - or as I sometimes shorten it to "McSad" - and want to start introducing them to better eats.  You know because it's better for them and stuff.  I haven't done a hell of a lot of research on Paleo.  I've read enough to know, however, that eating a crap-ton of processed food items filled with fake hormones and chemicals will eventually make you grown an extra ear in the middle of your foreheads**.  I imagine, if we continue to eat in this manner, that our children's children's children may have to endure the effects of all this crapola and I'd rather prepare my bunch for better things.  You get me?  I never thought I'd be *that* mom - sending in homemade organic meat products and cut up veggies, but alas.  I am.  Or at least I will be.  Soon, I hope.  I'm trying to gradually make the switch and figure out what I can get away with.  In the meantime, I'm trying to adapt to this myself.  First, I took away gluten.  Well wait, FIRST - I quit my not-so-secret-but-sorta-secret smoking habit.  Cold turkey.  I don't miss it too much.  That's a lie.  THEN, I quit my coke-zero-pepsi-max habit.  This has actually proved to be much harder than the cigs.  Serious.  If I told you that I haven't had one of these within the week, I'd be straight up lying.  But I'm doing better.  Small steps, y'all.  Small steps.  But the first thing I did with my kids, was start to take away gluten.  I could go on about gluten and why it's not so good here, but I don't feel like it.  If you're so interested in gluten, why don't you just google it yourself?***

So people are all "oooooo, you're on a special diet".  No I'm not.  I hate that.  Special diets are like my surrogate mom who can't have nuts and seeds on account of her diverticulitis**** & this kid I used to babysit who is allergic to a ton of stuff.  What I'm doing is simply changing the way I eat for the better.  And you should to.  No, really, you should.  Before a diet filled with junk makes you disease-ridden & ugly*****. 

I thought I had more to write here, but I have to go now.  It's getting late and I have to cook a three-course meal, knit sweaters for the children & finish this stack of books on French poetry.  Well, more like one course meal.  I'm making meat.  In a crock pot.  Plus, I don't know how to knit. And by French poetry I mean Us Weekly.  Don't judge me.

*Not really.  I don't have a plug in my bathroom and I like to take my time in there.  It's the only peace and quiet I get.  Honest.

**Also, cancer.

***Or you could just assume I always know what I'm talking about.  Which I do.

****It's a long word, I know.  Sound it out.

*****There's no proof bad eating will make you ugly.  You know what will though?  Not commenting.

The world is filled with half-ass advice.  Drink less booze - red wine is good for the heart.  Fruit is the same as a Snicker's bar - eat a shit ton of bananas if you want to live forever.  Smoking will give you lung cancer - cigarettes are actually full of antioxidants.  Ok.  That last one is a lie.  There is absolutely no rebuttal for the woes of smoking.  It's such a sin really.  Not even remotely cool anymore on any level.  But so so good.  I miss it every day.  (You hear that Marlboro Light Menthols.  I think about you every day.  You're like the man who dumped me).

Only I've never been dumped.  True story.  I've always been the dumper.  My therapist would have a theory on that I'm sure.  She'd say (in a Jennifer Tilly style voice, because in my head - all women sounds like Jennifer Tilly), she'd say "Jessica: maybe you are dumping them because you aren't willing to accept that everyone has flaws.  Maybe, just maybe - you want to be the one to walk away because you are scared of everyone leaving you first".  Or something like that.  And then she will nod her head a few times, chew on the top of her pen and write into her leather portfolio notebook (I think it's a shopping list for groceries) and then the hour session will be over and I will leave $120 poorer with the knowledge of shit that I already think about & wish wasn't wrong with me.  Only now it's been verified by some nicely dressed stranger in a cold, too clean room with expensive furniture by someone with way more college degrees hanging on the wall than I have.  Stupid therapist.

No, really - this conversation didn't really happen.  I mean, not exactly in that manner.  I've been to a therapist and the office has been cold and I have been $100+ poorer when I left... but I never did talk to anyone about being the one who dumps my boyfriends before they had a chance to dump me.  I mean, why bother when I'm pretty sure of how the conversation will go.  I don't like to pay people for shit I already know.  It's why I don't buy newspapers.

Article about a stabbing.  Article about the stupid Maryland weather ("60 on Wednesday.  -22 on Thursday.  Keep Out Your Sweaters! Ha Ha Tulips - You Thought Spring Was Coming... You've Been Punked!").  Article about government agenda that is biased and unoriginal and skewed to the right (or left, depending on which publication & who is sponsoring).  Blah blah blah.  You get my point. 

Wow.  I'm all over the place.  That's different.

I'm trying to eat healthier these days (ZOMG, she's talking about food.  Again.)  yeah, so?  If you didn't already know that my blog was about food addiction and the plight of being a chunkadunk in a perfectionist world, then why are you even here?  It's certainly not for the recipes*!  At any rate, I'm trying to eat healthier (am too!) and I've been researching everything from juice fasting (I did it for 9 days and lost 8 lbs - no joke) & eating clean (which, contrary to what I first believed does not mean that I can have a Berger Cookie as long as I wash it first) & going vegan (which I could never do for the simple fact that this plan doesn't allow bacon in any form) & doing the smoothie thing (only non-food addict people can replace a meal with a smoothie and feel like they've eaten something.  I don't care if you put 4 cheeseburgers & fries into the blender, if I can't chew it - it ain't a meal.  It's just not).  All of this so at the end of the day, I can pass my expertise on the proper way to eat along to you - the mass** of adoring Jess fans who want to know the secret to looking like a super model without the starvation/ hard work.   Here's the secret, are you ready?  You got a pen out and a piece of paper?   Move your junk.  Eat less junk.  There.  6 words to health....

*I think I put the recipe up once for deep fried Oreos. This seems counterproductive right now so we will just pretend it was a great recipe for beet salad instead.

**Mass = 6 readers

I do really wish there were more of an awareness to what people are actually putting in their mouths.  It's sad.  The food industry (every industry really) isn't in it to figure out what's best for you.  It's in it for the dollar. And the only way to put a halt to the abysmal situation of all things food is to not consume it in the first place.  So it has to stop at your mouth, people.  Because no one is looking out for you except for, well - you.  It's really that simple. And really, this isn't just about eating but about life in general.  Of course, I'm no expert but I know what works for me.  And I really really really want other people to benefit from my wisdom as well as my massive amount of mistakes.  The best thing I can do in retribution (besides revenge, which sometimes sounds oh-so good) is to spread the word to those who are willing to hear it.  Not to get all Doogie Howser, MD on you. 

So to sum up:

1.  Look out for yourself, no one else is gonna do it for you.  Stop waiting for a miracle or for the circumstances to be "right".  Time is slipping by and before you know it you will be 40 with nothing to show for yourself.  Life is too short to waste time.  Just do something.

2.  To lose weight, follow these basic steps:  Eat less.  Look on the list of ingredients and if you cannot pronounce most of them, don't eat it.  Better yet - stick with things that have no label at all.  Oranges.  Broccoli.  Swiss Chard, etc.  Oh, and try to move more than normal.  I (seriously) like to park far away from the entrance at the store.  It forces me to walk further and it's less crowded with lazy people, assholes & carts.  Try it sometime.

3.  Meditate.  Wait, wait wait - hear me out.  I know, you probably hear the word meditate and think of some Asian guy in a pastel robe with no hair sitting Indian style in a hut humming a mantra.  Ok, maybe you don't think that.  I probably took it too far (don't I always?)  But you probably think it's hokey.  I thought it was a little too.  Until I started to do it.  Read a book about it.  Go online and research it.  Take a moment (even if it's a minute) and just sit with yourself and try to not focus on nothing other than breathing and right now.  Don't think about your dishes or your messy bathroom or your paperwork from school or the mistake you made last week/month/year.  Just focus on the moment.  You'll be surprised how much of a difference it can make.  And if you think it's dumb and doesn't work just keep at it.... it never hurts to just give it a go*

*Beethoven was told he was stupid.  Luckily, he ignored that shit and went with his gut instinct that told him he was awesome.  Go with your gut.  Be Beethoven.

On that note, I'm out of here.  Happy Early St. Patty's Day to all my Irish friends.  If you're feeling festive, go out and have a few green beers.  Or be like me and celebrate St. Patty's without the booze and subsequent arrest for public intoxication.  Or just shave your pubic hair in the shape of a three leaf clover (just in case).