Here's something new for y'all:  I'm annoyed.  Yes, yes, I know - I complain like all the time.  It's what I do.  I complain a lot.  I eat a lot.  I roll my eyes a lot.  You can't tell but I'm actually rolling my eyes right now.  And I'm typing this while I'm pooping*.

What am I annoyed by, you ask?  Well for starters, those stupid stick figure families I keep seeing on the back of vehicles.  They're obnoxious.  Sidebar:  Just in case you were wondering, I don't really care what kind of grades your kid is getting in elementary school.  I get that you're a proud mom and everything.  I get that you want total strangers that you are cutting off in traffic to know that you're not a complete failure in the parenting of your child.  No really, I get it.  But it's annoying.  Secondly, I don't really care that you'd rather be golfing.  I wish you were, in fact, golfing - instead of clogging up my lane on 95 and thirdly, I don't *really* need to know how many people are in your family (including your dog and or cat).  I mean, what about a pet turtle?  Is there a pet turtle stick figure?  Or a fish?  I've also never seen a stick figure in a wheelchair.  Plus, lets be honest - most people in this country are fat.  Stick figures?  Seems a bit ironic, no?  Here, for reference:


Stick figures that got left out.  Don't judge me.  It's been a long day. 

I mean, what about my Uncle Jim, who has one short arm that has a tiny hand growing out of it?  Or what if there's a dead person in the family?  I think that they should have a spot too.  To be fair, I should mention that I don't really have an Uncle Jim with a short arm (please don't go all politically correct on me and rant about how wrong it is to make fun of people with disabilities.  I know it's mean.  I'm a mean person.  If you haven't gathered that by now reading this blog, you are both clueless and annoying.)  Secondly, I have not (at least not yet) googled these stick figure items to see if they actually exist.  They might.  But I haven't seen them on any cars in the Baltimore Metro area, and frankly it annoys me.  Which is the topic of this here blog, and every blog.  Things that annoy Jess. 

In case you care, I started doing a semi-Paleo diet.  I know what you're thinking.  You're probably saying to yourself "first it was weight watchers and then juicing, now it's the Paleo diet.  What's next?  Nothing but grapefruits & cabbage soup (gross)?".  I change my eating habits often, it's true.  And I talk about food entirely way too much.  I also have a weird stalker-ish obsession with Johnny Depp - but that's off topic.  Anyway, I've been contemplating all things food related (shocking) and I've decided to wean my children off the SAD (standard American diet) - or as I sometimes shorten it to "McSad" - and want to start introducing them to better eats.  You know because it's better for them and stuff.  I haven't done a hell of a lot of research on Paleo.  I've read enough to know, however, that eating a crap-ton of processed food items filled with fake hormones and chemicals will eventually make you grown an extra ear in the middle of your foreheads**.  I imagine, if we continue to eat in this manner, that our children's children's children may have to endure the effects of all this crapola and I'd rather prepare my bunch for better things.  You get me?  I never thought I'd be *that* mom - sending in homemade organic meat products and cut up veggies, but alas.  I am.  Or at least I will be.  Soon, I hope.  I'm trying to gradually make the switch and figure out what I can get away with.  In the meantime, I'm trying to adapt to this myself.  First, I took away gluten.  Well wait, FIRST - I quit my not-so-secret-but-sorta-secret smoking habit.  Cold turkey.  I don't miss it too much.  That's a lie.  THEN, I quit my coke-zero-pepsi-max habit.  This has actually proved to be much harder than the cigs.  Serious.  If I told you that I haven't had one of these within the week, I'd be straight up lying.  But I'm doing better.  Small steps, y'all.  Small steps.  But the first thing I did with my kids, was start to take away gluten.  I could go on about gluten and why it's not so good here, but I don't feel like it.  If you're so interested in gluten, why don't you just google it yourself?***

So people are all "oooooo, you're on a special diet".  No I'm not.  I hate that.  Special diets are like my surrogate mom who can't have nuts and seeds on account of her diverticulitis**** & this kid I used to babysit who is allergic to a ton of stuff.  What I'm doing is simply changing the way I eat for the better.  And you should to.  No, really, you should.  Before a diet filled with junk makes you disease-ridden & ugly*****. 

I thought I had more to write here, but I have to go now.  It's getting late and I have to cook a three-course meal, knit sweaters for the children & finish this stack of books on French poetry.  Well, more like one course meal.  I'm making meat.  In a crock pot.  Plus, I don't know how to knit. And by French poetry I mean Us Weekly.  Don't judge me.

*Not really.  I don't have a plug in my bathroom and I like to take my time in there.  It's the only peace and quiet I get.  Honest.

**Also, cancer.

***Or you could just assume I always know what I'm talking about.  Which I do.

****It's a long word, I know.  Sound it out.

*****There's no proof bad eating will make you ugly.  You know what will though?  Not commenting.