The world is filled with half-ass advice.  Drink less booze - red wine is good for the heart.  Fruit is the same as a Snicker's bar - eat a shit ton of bananas if you want to live forever.  Smoking will give you lung cancer - cigarettes are actually full of antioxidants.  Ok.  That last one is a lie.  There is absolutely no rebuttal for the woes of smoking.  It's such a sin really.  Not even remotely cool anymore on any level.  But so so good.  I miss it every day.  (You hear that Marlboro Light Menthols.  I think about you every day.  You're like the man who dumped me).

Only I've never been dumped.  True story.  I've always been the dumper.  My therapist would have a theory on that I'm sure.  She'd say (in a Jennifer Tilly style voice, because in my head - all women sounds like Jennifer Tilly), she'd say "Jessica: maybe you are dumping them because you aren't willing to accept that everyone has flaws.  Maybe, just maybe - you want to be the one to walk away because you are scared of everyone leaving you first".  Or something like that.  And then she will nod her head a few times, chew on the top of her pen and write into her leather portfolio notebook (I think it's a shopping list for groceries) and then the hour session will be over and I will leave $120 poorer with the knowledge of shit that I already think about & wish wasn't wrong with me.  Only now it's been verified by some nicely dressed stranger in a cold, too clean room with expensive furniture by someone with way more college degrees hanging on the wall than I have.  Stupid therapist.

No, really - this conversation didn't really happen.  I mean, not exactly in that manner.  I've been to a therapist and the office has been cold and I have been $100+ poorer when I left... but I never did talk to anyone about being the one who dumps my boyfriends before they had a chance to dump me.  I mean, why bother when I'm pretty sure of how the conversation will go.  I don't like to pay people for shit I already know.  It's why I don't buy newspapers.

Article about a stabbing.  Article about the stupid Maryland weather ("60 on Wednesday.  -22 on Thursday.  Keep Out Your Sweaters! Ha Ha Tulips - You Thought Spring Was Coming... You've Been Punked!").  Article about government agenda that is biased and unoriginal and skewed to the right (or left, depending on which publication & who is sponsoring).  Blah blah blah.  You get my point. 

Wow.  I'm all over the place.  That's different.

I'm trying to eat healthier these days (ZOMG, she's talking about food.  Again.)  yeah, so?  If you didn't already know that my blog was about food addiction and the plight of being a chunkadunk in a perfectionist world, then why are you even here?  It's certainly not for the recipes*!  At any rate, I'm trying to eat healthier (am too!) and I've been researching everything from juice fasting (I did it for 9 days and lost 8 lbs - no joke) & eating clean (which, contrary to what I first believed does not mean that I can have a Berger Cookie as long as I wash it first) & going vegan (which I could never do for the simple fact that this plan doesn't allow bacon in any form) & doing the smoothie thing (only non-food addict people can replace a meal with a smoothie and feel like they've eaten something.  I don't care if you put 4 cheeseburgers & fries into the blender, if I can't chew it - it ain't a meal.  It's just not).  All of this so at the end of the day, I can pass my expertise on the proper way to eat along to you - the mass** of adoring Jess fans who want to know the secret to looking like a super model without the starvation/ hard work.   Here's the secret, are you ready?  You got a pen out and a piece of paper?   Move your junk.  Eat less junk.  There.  6 words to health....

*I think I put the recipe up once for deep fried Oreos. This seems counterproductive right now so we will just pretend it was a great recipe for beet salad instead.

**Mass = 6 readers

I do really wish there were more of an awareness to what people are actually putting in their mouths.  It's sad.  The food industry (every industry really) isn't in it to figure out what's best for you.  It's in it for the dollar. And the only way to put a halt to the abysmal situation of all things food is to not consume it in the first place.  So it has to stop at your mouth, people.  Because no one is looking out for you except for, well - you.  It's really that simple. And really, this isn't just about eating but about life in general.  Of course, I'm no expert but I know what works for me.  And I really really really want other people to benefit from my wisdom as well as my massive amount of mistakes.  The best thing I can do in retribution (besides revenge, which sometimes sounds oh-so good) is to spread the word to those who are willing to hear it.  Not to get all Doogie Howser, MD on you. 

So to sum up:

1.  Look out for yourself, no one else is gonna do it for you.  Stop waiting for a miracle or for the circumstances to be "right".  Time is slipping by and before you know it you will be 40 with nothing to show for yourself.  Life is too short to waste time.  Just do something.

2.  To lose weight, follow these basic steps:  Eat less.  Look on the list of ingredients and if you cannot pronounce most of them, don't eat it.  Better yet - stick with things that have no label at all.  Oranges.  Broccoli.  Swiss Chard, etc.  Oh, and try to move more than normal.  I (seriously) like to park far away from the entrance at the store.  It forces me to walk further and it's less crowded with lazy people, assholes & carts.  Try it sometime.

3.  Meditate.  Wait, wait wait - hear me out.  I know, you probably hear the word meditate and think of some Asian guy in a pastel robe with no hair sitting Indian style in a hut humming a mantra.  Ok, maybe you don't think that.  I probably took it too far (don't I always?)  But you probably think it's hokey.  I thought it was a little too.  Until I started to do it.  Read a book about it.  Go online and research it.  Take a moment (even if it's a minute) and just sit with yourself and try to not focus on nothing other than breathing and right now.  Don't think about your dishes or your messy bathroom or your paperwork from school or the mistake you made last week/month/year.  Just focus on the moment.  You'll be surprised how much of a difference it can make.  And if you think it's dumb and doesn't work just keep at it.... it never hurts to just give it a go*

*Beethoven was told he was stupid.  Luckily, he ignored that shit and went with his gut instinct that told him he was awesome.  Go with your gut.  Be Beethoven.

On that note, I'm out of here.  Happy Early St. Patty's Day to all my Irish friends.  If you're feeling festive, go out and have a few green beers.  Or be like me and celebrate St. Patty's without the booze and subsequent arrest for public intoxication.  Or just shave your pubic hair in the shape of a three leaf clover (just in case).

I don't handle change very well - I've decided.  And it's not that I don't want to... because I'd love to be a more go-with-the-flow kinda gal.  But I struggle with this.  So keep this in mind when you are delivering me bad news or trying to tell me I smell bad or something.  I might seem to handle it well on the outside, but inside I'm a crumbling, hideous mess.

The year is almost over.  I thought for sure that this year would be better than 2011, but it turns out it was just as crap-filled.  I mean, some things worked out for the better... I got a new job, for example.  But for the most part, emotionally, this has been a year of turbulence.  And change.  Yet again.

A year ago I wrote a blog about people & relationships using the metaphor of furniture... talked about what furniture is really  made out of and how you should surround yourself with quality stuff.  Even if it seems, at the time, to be covered in cheap paint.  Blah blah blah.  You know, I could link it here if I felt like it but (you should be used to this) - I don't.  I'm lazy and unmotivated..... not sure if it's an emotional drain or if it's a result of eating crap non-stop for two days.  The holidays are a bust on my psyche.  Anyway, as it turns out (and keeping with the whole furniture theme), I actually was using cheap IKEA shit the whole time... you know, one of those semi-fancy pieces from the store that looks like it might be nice to have but that actually breaks the minute any pressure is put on it.  So jokes on me.  I guess I should learn an important lesson here about not putting all my money (and emotion, and time) into something that ultimately proved to be cheaply made and easily broken.  I should have just gone without furniture.  Or gotten a hammock.  Oooo, or some of that Amish furniture.. that stuff lasts and lasts.  LOL.  And if I could also figure out a metaphor here that would explain how said furniture was actually just using me, I would - but that just doesn't make sense.   Plus, I seem bitter.  Which, don't get me wrong, I am at times... it's hard to give of yourself so emotionally, financially... physically, with everything you have and it turns out it was all for nothing.  A slap in the face, really.  I guess the lesson here is that I should listen more to my head (and every sane person I am friends with/related to) and realize the obvious signs of being used.  And perhaps stop finding guys on undercoverdouchebags.com.  I'm going to try really hard to not have the whole experience turn me into some bitter anti-love recluse.  Fingers crossed.

While I am making promises to myself about 2013, I'd like to make it very clear that my eating and exercise habits have spiraled out of control.  I'm not grossly overweight... in fact, I think I weigh less this year than I did last, but I'm feeling crappy and I think a lot of it has to do with the accumulation of shit-filled, carb loaded junk I've been shoveling into my face for the last year or two.  I am making a vow this year to stop with the crap diet and do something different lest I end up weighing a metric ton and having to go away to summer fat camp (which, I'd totally do BTW.  I would.) Jamie got me a juicer for Christmas (before you get all "what?!  A guy got you a juicer?!", it's totally what I asked for) and I'm going to start using it come January so I don't die from obesity/malnourishment like every other person on an American diet.

Wow.  This is a negative blog.  I have to say if there's one saving grace for the holidays it's having two little guys who are awesome and who adore me and who don't really see all the extra crap that's going on emotionally in my life.  Anytime I'm feeling worthless I just look to them and I'm instantly reminded that not only do I make a difference but that I'm unconditionally loved by two of the cutest, smartest guys a mom could ask for.  And that's awesome.  I'm so incredibly glad that I'm a mom to them.. it's been such a joy filled ride (stressful at times, no doubt) but it's been eye-opening.  No matter what I am feeling or how much I have going on in my messed up brain, I still am just Mom to them.  So there's an important lesson in that too.  i just hope I can raise them with as much moral conscious as I have.... you know, without messing them up too much.  It's a hard world out there & i can't imagine what it will be like in a few decades when I'm old and wasting away.  (Unless I die of a massive heart attack, which if I don't change my eating habits is bound to happen in the next few years).  I digress...

So to sum up.... Lessons from 2012 to Learn & Live By:

1.  If it walks like a douchebag & talks like a douchebag.... well, you know the rest.  But seriously, invest your time in people who are willing to invest time in you.  Life is short.
2.  Eat better.  It's not as much fun, but I promise it will make you feel better.
3.  Be morally correct.  Be kind.  Stop worrying about yourself... you're really not that big of a deal.  You don't always have to be right.  You don't always have to be in first place. Just be kind.  It's really not so hard.
4.  Post more comments on Jess' blog.  Cause she's awesome & could use the boost.  (figured I'd throw that in for good measure)

I'm sorry this blog doesn't have much of my fanciful prose and sarcastic banter.  I'm in a weird place right now.  On the neuro front, I have to get yet another spinal tap as recent changes in my every-six-months MRI weren't enough to convince the doctor that I have a messed up brain.  Lately, my symptoms have included this lovely thing called trigeminal neuralgia which feels like the after-math jaw pain of a root canal only without the added bonus of having the teeth removed.  And it comes in waves and makes me not want to open my mouth to even speak.  So there's that.  Hey - that might help with the diet.  So, silver lining!

If I don't talk to you beforehand, have a safe and happy New Year.  Please.   Don't drink and drive.  And keep in touch with the people that matter to you... because that's what life is all about.

I feel like I have so much to say but no words in which to do so. Does that make sense? Like my head is so filled with random crap, but when I make an attempt to piece the thoughts together, it comes out gibberish. And meaningless. And oddly perverted. Like most of that show Jersey Shore. You know, it's not fair of me to even pass judgement when I've never seen that show. It's not just that I lack the desire to watch it - but also that I happen to not have cable tv and because of that, I cannot access MTV or any other reality-show station. Besides, Jersey Shore is like Dancing with the Stars and American Idol. You don't have to watch it to know what is going on with it. You just have to exist somewhere in mainstream culture. It's everywhere. Plus, if I wanted to watch trashy people in too-tight clothing fighting with one another I could just head over to the local walmart. Isn't there a guy on that show named "The" something? The Situation? I'm pretty open minded when it comes to odd names, but I'm pretty sure adding "The" to beginning of anything referring to an actual human being is pretty douche-baggy. Unless, I guess, if you're a wrestler. Then maybe it's okay. Maybe I should start referring to myself as The Fabulous. Or "The Fattie". That has a nice ring to it. I could go into Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling. GLOW. Anybody remember that? Now there's some nice quality television that they should bring back.... I'm so old. Birthdays after 30 are pretty much just a reminder of how much closer you are to dying. Sure, say I'm cynical and bitter all you want but it's basically true. I'm not implying you shouldn't celebrate them with copious amounts of booze and wild love-making, I'm just being realistic about what they stand for. One more year I've made it through. One more year of borderline psychotic thoughts and destructive plans that I have successfully resisted giving into. One more year sober. That's actually a lie. I drank just today. I had to, it's my birthday. It's what you do. But you get what I'm saying I think. At least you should if you're not drunk yourself. Or maybe you can get this blog more when you're drunk. I don't know. Whatever. Life isn't defined by the crap you own or the money in your bank account. It's defined by the relationships you have with other people. Its taken me a long 34 years (to the day!) to realize this small, but important detail in life. That amidst the shitty, irresponsible, selfish assholes - there are some gems of people out there. Good, hard-working, morally correct and mostly decent people who actually look out for you and aren't all "me, me me" about everything. There aren't many! They're like a secret underground organization - like the tea party, only more concerned about things that actually matter (political stab. sorry. It's my birthday. sue me). My transition from one topic to another isn't exactly top notch this time. I blame it on the Xanex I took for my anxiety a few minutes ago and the fact that I haven't written a blog since there was snow outside. Actually, BEFORE that even. So if this seems disjointed, don't get mad at me. My life is a bucket of chaos covered in obligation and surrounded on all sides by a HUGE lack of motivation. It's no way to live, I tell ya. I'm falling asleep and it's only 9:30. And I'm not ashamed. Ok, maybe a little. But at least for the next 3 hours or so, it is still *technically* my birthday so feel free to get me a little something from the following wish list: - tickets to see the New Kids on the Block. I could care less about NSYNC though. You might as well pair them with Menudo. Actually, how cool would that be? Menudo and New Kids? Also Nelson. Oooo, and the Beastie Boys. It's my make-believe concert... I can have whomever I'd like there. Can too. Can too! Also, Air Supply. Sure, I'd be the only one there but that's why it would be so incredibly awesome. - New phone and service. I found out today that someone left me a message two months ago and I never got it. Ever. Where did it go, you ask? Maybe Boost is storing up my message so when I'm famous, they can use them to blackmail me into giving them free money. I'm not sure what they think they'll get with my lame-ass messages. Most of them are my mother accidentally dialing me while she's in the bathroom or collection agencies looking for money I don't have. Nonetheless, I wish I could get new service. And a phone that doesn't suck. One of these days... - Popcornopolis popcorn. If you've never had it, it's the most fabulous popcorn ever. EVER. It's like the crack cocaine of popcorn. If I could cook this popcorn on a spoon and then put it in a syringe and inject it into my arm I would. Seriously. It's *that* good. And you're probably thinking "yeah, Jess but you're a food addict - what do you know" (and you're seriously right-on in your thinking)... but I thought the same thing. I thought, "popcorn is okay. I mean, would I kill for popcorn? No. Would I make love to popcorn on a cool night alone in my apartment? Probably not..." well this popcorn changed all those rules. You won't believe me till you try some so I should just get it and have you over. Oooo - or do a fundraiser for myself. I think that's legal, right? Anybody know?? I tried to link the popcorn's website to this here blog, but I didn't feel like looking it up. I'm lazy and moving my fingers from the keyboard to the touch screen would require me to put down this bag of cheese curls and 40-oz beer can. Ha! I'm kidding. I can only type with a bottle. Stupid blog-reader. Well I'm out of here. I should get some beauty sleep since lately I've been grouchy and irritable. I know there was more I promised to write and someone I promised a shout-out too, blah blah blah... I will just have to write more from now on so y'all don't feel left out and victimized. I have enough to feel guilty about as it is. So long and don't forget to call your Mom. She wanted me to tell you that.