It's the end of the world as we know it.  And I feel fine.

Do you feel fine?  You should you know.  You shouldn't let the planets lining up and the threat of spontaneous earthquakes & zombie Apocalypse stop you from feeling okay.  That would be a waste.  Spend these last few days of civilization having a blast.  Go out dancing.  Eat an ice cream sundae.  Call your mother.  Go ahead, add the bacon. 

Wait.  Read this blog first.  I mean, it's the least you could do before all hell breaks loose.

I honestly have no idea what the predictions are for 12/21.  I stopped reading about it years ago after being obsessed with it for a few weeks and finding myself signing up for waiting lists for underground tombs and lotteries for space travel that might "save" me.  I got so paranoid about it, that I couldn't sleep (really I never do, so I'm not sure how this made a difference) and between that and the tsunami documentary on Discovery channel, was forced to increase my anti-anxiety medications against doctor's orders. I make it a point now not to even introduce anything potentially life-altering or natural disaster-ish into my brain.  It's too hard to get it out of there.  It's like every Hall & Oates song. 

It's that rough patch of year where I try to get through the end of the holidays to the beginning of the next year unscathed.  I didn't buy very much in the way of Christmas presents this year... not because I didn't want to but because financially I'm in a sinking ship.  Last year I got most of my Christmas presents on credit (it's the American way!) and this year I have no room left to even buy myself a tank of gas.  I get so sick of people making the assumption that because I'm a nurse, I make loads of money.  I really do believe that the more money you make, the more trouble you find yourself in and the more likely it is that you can't make ends meet.  At least for the average person.  I have 50k in debt from school... and, no - nursing school WASN'T actually that expensive, but having a newborn and a 4 year old at that time wasn't cost-effective.  And if anyone reading this has children (young children) you know how expensive daycare costs are.  Particularly for a newborn.  I think at one point in nursing school I was paying like 1200 dollars a month just for childcare.  All funded by school loans.  It seemed like a smart idea at the time.  Of course, flash forward a bunch of years and I've deferred my student loans so much that they actually told me the last time I did it that I wasn't allowed to push them back any further.  I'd reached "maximum deferment status".  A fancy term that really means "Pay the shit back, already".

Wouldn't that be funny if instead of wording things so business like - if places just told you straight up what was going on?  Like instead of a turn-off notice from the electric company, you just got a post card that said "Hope You Like The Dark"?   Invoices that are like "if you've already paid this notice, please disregard" would say "If you already made the late payment, you slacker - go ahead and make this letter into an origami Ninja star and poke yourself in the eye with it.  P.S.  Thanks for making me waste my ink, time & postage because of your consistent procrastination".  

"Dear Gullible Consumer,
You haven't really won anything despite the claims on the outside of this envelope.  In fact, the odds that you would win anything in life randomly via the mail are about 1 in 1 billion.  You have a better chance of catching syphilis.  Nonetheless, we would very much like it if you subscribed to our magazine/bought our "trial" product/donated to our fake charity/applied for this credit card that will leave you flat broke.  Please fill out and return the following form so we can rest assured that your name and address, in fact, do belong on this list of 'Stupid People Who Will Believe Anything'.  I hope you like my fancy, extra bold font & official looking bar code that I just doodled on here with a sharpie"...

You get what I'm saying.

Things I'd like for Christmas (seems appropriate):

1.  An app for the iphone for detecting douche bags.  There may be one, I'm not sure.  But if the iphone can tell me if I'm naughty or nice or point out ghosts in the vicinity - I should be able to hold it up to a guy at a bar and have Siri tell me to keep walking. It would be really awesome if the app would just tell me what's wrong with him and then let me decide.  "This guy has a vagina".  You know, something of that nature.

2.  I don't necessarily want a merkin, but I was very surprised to find this one on ebay.  I guess if you're going to a "Dress like a 1970's hippy nudist" party, maybe you could wear this?  You know, without having to experience the actual annoyance of growing out your own pubes?  I didn't really even read it too much, so I don't know if it's used. Sidebar:  please do not purchase this for me.

3.  I actually don't want anything.  Nor do I really need anything.  Who really NEEDS anything?  Every year, you get all these gifts and really it would be so much better if people were just nicer.  Can we bottle that and give it away?  It doesn't cost anything to be nice.  It's free.  Smile more.  Compliment a stranger.  Gather up all the crap you're not using and give it away to someone who will.  Put your neighbors trash can back against the house.  Have a conversation with the person checking you out at the grocery store.  I couldn't tell you how many times I've had meaningful conversations with random cashiers at stores.  They always seem so grateful that I'd even be interested... So yeah, be nice.  I could go on and on and on.... Just hurry up and do it now because you never know what could happen tomorrow, or next week.  Or later today.  Live for the now, people.  It's all you got.

OK.  I'm done now.  If the world ends this week or I get lazy and don't come back till next year (more likely), be safe and have a happy holiday.