I don't quite understand how every year it seems like the holidays sneak up on us like some masked mugger at a deserted ATM in West Baltimore City.  Only you know, less violent & with more glitter.  I am trying really hard not to be a scrooge this year; last year was my first Christmas without my mom & for some reason it was easier to swallow than this year.  And I'm not entirely sure why that is because even when she was alive, all she really did on Christmas was nod out on the couch, complain about the food and go on and on (and on) about the cost of whatever cheap gift she had ordered me from the Fingerhut catalog.  A price, mind you - that would get exponentially higher in price as the night (and the illegal substances) progressed.

Oh, wow.  I sound so ungrateful.  Let me stop now.

I'm not ungrateful you know.  At all.  Everything (and everyone) that has come through my life has served its purpose.  Just because 2011 & 2012 have been particularly shit-filled years doesn't mean I should be ungrateful for the lessons hidden in the muck.  Despite the turbulence of this past year, I have a new job (that I love most of the time), a much better relationship with my ex-husband (which has come in handy in many, many ways), & I'm alive.  Though, just barely.  But I think that 90% of health problems in the general public (and for me) stem from a negative attitude & an unhealthy diet.  Both of which I am determined to work on for myself in 2013.  Because I'm really one good physical injury away from being one of those people that accidentally smothers the cat rolling over in bed.  If I had a cat.  Mostly, I hate cats.  But that's for another time & another blog.

There's a short story by Tolstoy called The Death of Ivan Ilych that for some reason struck with me as having a powerful message.  Google it online and I'm pretty certain that you can read the thing for free... you know, if reading is your thing.  I'm afraid there isn't yet a made-for-TV miniseries of it (at least I don't think) or at least not yet anyway.  I imagine if there were, that Shirley McClain would play the role of Ivan's bitch wife.  I digress... the book is about this fellow Ivan, who lives a life of progressively bad choices.  He's miserable, Ivan.  He hates his wife, his job situation has changed - no one appreciates him, no one takes his illness serious.  He feels, really, that no one loves him.  Not really anyway.  And the book - which starts off with his death (spoiler alert!) and then goes back to recount his life - has an important lesson.  One is (at least in my opinion, and this is probably the nurse in me): don't listen to naysayers concerning your health.  Poor Ivan should have sought out some proper help (or at least checked out WebMD) before he succumbed to a sickly demise.  And two:  don't wait until you are dying to decide that something in your life is worth living for.  Ivan realized that the further back he looked in his memories of life, that the more joy he had.  What irony!  How unfortunate to finally see so clearly when you are at the end of it all.  On deaths door and realizing the foolish choices you made when you could have experienced greatness rather than a poor, meager existence - it's so unfair! 

"He realizes that his official life and his family and social relations were all artificial".  

Poor Ivan.  Off to the pearly gates armed with the wisdom of what choices he SHOULD have made rather than the affirmation that the ones he actually made were for the best.  Talk about regret.  Let's let Ivan be an example here people.  Life is much too short to waste time on fake BS.  Life is also too short to waste energy & love & affection & time on those who aren't willing to do the same for you.  So remember this.  And for godsakes, go get that rash checked out.  It could be flesh-eating disease.

Seems like an odd place to end a blog, but so be it.  If I wait on finishing this one, I could die in my sleep tomorrow and no one would learn this important lesson.  Plus, I wanted to remind you that there is only a few weeks until Christmas and I would like something sparkly & expensive.  You know what to do.