I think about writing in here way more often than I actually do.  Mostly because of time constraints.  And the fact that I enjoy it and usually I don't like to do enjoyable things for myself.  Which is part of my problem really.  My therapist says I put others before myself and that the only way to be happy is to realize that loving myself will benefit others more than anything I can do for them (ha!  Easy for her to say). I tried to manipulate this into getting out of paying for that particular session - but apparently, my self-love was supposed to start after I'd squared away the check and left the office parking lot.  Those therapists - they're sneaky bastards.  "Love yourself, but pay your bill".

At any rate, it's not easy having life toss you around violently for 12 months and spit you out - broken and confused... angry at times, even.  I'm mostly angry at myself because it seems like I continue to repeat the same patterns of irreparable damage in life.  Maybe somewhere deep down I hate myself and I enjoy, on some sick level, to be punished by the torment of bad decision.  I also think I tend to ignore signs leading me in the right direction in life.  It's like there's a spotlight and soft music on Path A and for some reason, I seem to want to keep wandering down Path B - the one on the other side - you know, the path with sharp thorns, dark corners and that creepy alternating two-note riff from the Jaws movie.  That's the one I seem to take all the time.

Relationships are so difficult.  I mean, not just romantic ones - but relationships in general.  I really believe that the key to keeping any relationship alive is to make the other person feel important (that's the first part) and to truly appreciate whatever it is that the other person does for you.  Bosses, take note - if an employee feels valued, he or she will do whatever you ask.  If you treat that person like shit (ignore them, criticize them, accuse them of having sex in the break room, etc.) - chances are they are not only going to continue said bad behavior, but start to care even less about the fact that they are doing it.  And once a person has checked out of the caring part of the relationship, you're basically screwed.   It's hard, very hard, to get that back.  I know - I've been there.  Once I had a job working at a children's hospital and I had a boss for many years that I absolutely adored.  She adored me back (at least I think), we had a great relationship at work, she recognized that I was an asset to the organization and I recognized that she appreciated what I did.  It was a total win-win.  This particular boss could have asked me to come in on Christmas morning to help out without pay and I would have done it.  Why?  Because I felt good being there.  Because I knew that she appreciated my hard work and my determination.  And because, on some level, I wanted to please her.

Ugh, people pleasing.  We are right back to where we started with this blog.  Anyway.... I digress.

I think the main reason that the divorce rate in this country is like 80% (it's actually closer to 50%, but I never believe statistics.  I think of the 50% that are married still - there are probably a good half that would either like to not be married, or who dream about choking their spouse in his/her sleep) is because married life is so different now than it was 50 years ago.  Values have changed.  People's expectations for what makes a marriage "happy" is dramatically different.  Roles are reversed.  And let's not rule out the fact that we have the Internet now so instead of watching hours of Camel News Caravan on the TV, husbands can now immerse themselves into all kinds of trouble online - via porn, and online dating and World of Warcraft.  It's a different universe now.   And if it weren't for the fact that I have a filthy mouth, no sewing skills whatsoever & a strong discourse to knee-high stockings - I'd rewind time (in my time machine!) and go back to 1958 when things were easier on women.

*please do not go all women's activist on me and leave comments about the suppressed women of the 1950's.  This blog is done in good humor and any reference to real-life events is purely comical in nature.  While I have you here - no one likes it when you go all statistics and know-it-ally about stuff so do yourself a favor and start keeping your trap shut.  I promise you will get invited to more parties*

I'm gonna go now.  I had more to say, but like many writings in blog-past, I have other more domestic activities in which to partake.  Don't worry though - I am going to really try to write more often. No really.  It keeps the demons at bay and it makes me less likely to sit fetal-position under the kitchen table rocking and moaning to myself.  Uhm, not that I do this.  Ever.   Don't forget to leave a comment - it's like people pleasing but in reverse.