Things change quickly in this existence - one minute you're heading into some tunnel full-throttle, in fifth gear... all systems go.  The next minute you're sitting on the curb, scratching your head and wondering where you took a wrong turn.  Maybe that's the lesson to be learned: that things are always changing... if you don't like the way things are going, hold your breath.  Nothing is permanent.  Well, nothing except tattoos and Herpes.  And really, you can pretty much come close to eliminating both of those things nowadays.  Or at least masking them both with heavy duty make up and some anti-itch cream.  You get what I'm saying....

I've done a lot of changing these past few months.  Hell, even the past year.  Just when I think I know what I'm doing, something comes along to nudge me into a new awakening.  It's as if life is saying "No Jess - it's actually NOT as simple as you hoped".....  And "no, your existence ISN'T what you thought it would be."  And - oh yeah - "THAT life event wasn't as you had previously planned it in your head".... Maybe, just maybe, life is saying "You know what Jess... stop worrying so much about how you THINK it will turn out and just live your life already".  Cause I sure don't feel like I have much control over anything anymore these days.  And what can I control really?  Nothing.  I can just be.

My name's Jess and I'm a compulsive thinker. 

Phew.  There.  I said it.  I think too much.  I'm one of the many people out there who forget to be in the moment while worrying about the crap decisions of yesterday and contemplating life beyond this exact moment in time.  Sadly, this is how we all live, I think.  Save the few of us who have actually become enlightened enough to see things for what they truly are.   And Oprah.  She just pays for someone to worry for her.  Gobs of money, I'm sure.  For the record: I could totally do that job, ya know.... I've got 30-some odd years experience worrying for and about other people.  I'm like an expert on empathy.  I could write a book on it titled "I feel bad that you spent money on this book".  Tad wordy, but gets the point across.

I remember once seeing a therapist - many moons ago after a failed relationship - and I remember her telling me this:  when people in any relationship make the choice to hurt you in some way (whether intentional or not), it's often based on fear.  See - the people that love you the most... the ones that hold you the closest to their hearts, they're usually the ones who feel the most comfortable with letting you down.  It's like they are saying to you "even though this is going to make you feel like shit, I can be real with you and I can't be real with anyone else".  So, essentially - you're the fall guy. Which, I guess on some level is supposed to make you feel better about what's happening to you, emotionally.  It's supposed to make up for all the bad feelings & heart break.  But it doesn't.  That has to come from within.

You're probably reading this and thinking "man, what the hell happened to funny Jess?  I sure wish she were here".  Well she's still around, rest assured... cracking jokes at other people's expenses and drawing perverted doodles into the margins of her work calendar while pretending to take care of old people.  I'm just a new & improved Jess.  Or at the very least - better conditioned Jess.  And I refuse to be bitter about all this change that's about... I'd rather use it as material for blogs, expensive therapy bills and lessons for you readers.  Because isn't that what life is about?  Learning lessons??

Somewhere in this mess, I started dating again.  I realized, of course - that dating sucks.  Sure it's nice to get to know new people... nice dinners... movies, concerts, 4-H festivals (don't ask)... but I don't get why people WANT to date.  It feels good to be desirable, on some level, I guess.  But it's a lot of work and its shitty.  I want to say on the first date "look, I'm new at this and I hate it and I'm getting old so stop being so nice and just tell me what your problems are so I can quit holding in my stomach and my vulgarity".  Only, you know, I don't say that.  Because that's not what you do.  You act polite and you say the right things and you hope that someone will like you for who you are.  Hahahaha.  And while we are on the subject of dating: personals online should only contain a minor amount of lying, cursing & incorrect grammar.  I get that we all have this masked idea about who we are as a person and writing "Importing & Exporting Goods" in the job section is fancier than "check-out boy at 7-11", but don't stretch the truth too much. Chances are that after a few dates, she's going to find out the truth about you. Might even win bonus points for honesty if you come right out and admit that you will ignore your date for a World of Warcraft marathon or that you spend way too much time fantasizing about Angela Landsbury.  I could build a whole dating website on being honest.  You'd have to post photos naked (you'd have to!) and then you could just list what your emotional weaknesses are.  I would call it www.truthhurtsdating.com.  I didn't even click to see if that really exists.  I hope it does.

Well, I'm gonna go now.  If for no other reason then I'm tired & I need a shower.  Feel free to comment.... and do yourself a favor: start living life.  I swear it's not as hard as you think.