Ha. Weigh a person down. You get it? Fat? Sorry… moving on.

So for those of you that are wondering why I haven’t called back or texted to see how you are doing or sent emails asking whats up or shown up at the overeaters anonymous meetings(or whatever), please know that between a horrible divorce, a nasty (and expensive) custody battle, working surplus hours at an underpaid and thankless job, taking care of a 7-year old (with way too much homework) and a 3-year old (with way way too much spunk), while simultaneously pretending that I’m doing a few things for myself (Words with Friends, for example) – I haven’t gotten much left over. Emotionally or otherwise. Its seriously all I can do at the end of the day but read a few pages from one of the many books I have yet to catch up on and then crash dreaming of what it must be like to actually have extra money and a brain that isn’t crammed with to-do lists and obsolete movie quotes from the 80’s (and naked images of LL Cool J). (And actually, I don’t mind the movie quotes. They come in handy at parties. You know… ALLLL the parties I attend in ALLLLL my free time). But seriously, I don’t like to stop and think about it because then I get overwhelmed by just WONDERING how I do it.

I recently read a book called “The Mastery of Love” by Don Ruiz. He’s the one who wrote the four agreements book that I’ve mentioned probably no less than 100 times on here. It was a good read… I guess. However, I’m not sure I’m ready to rethink all the negative lies I’ve built up in my brain over the last 35 years. How do you even do that? I definitely think that people in general live very much behind alter-ego facades built into whatever it is they think “people” will accept. And why is that? Why do we need people to accept us so badly? Why can’t we just be who we are and let the cards fall where they may? Why can’t we just stop lying to ourselves and to everyone else and just be? Sounds easy enough, doesn’t it? It’s the implementing it that’s so hard. It’s the guilt and the fear. Guilt and fear. Those two things rob us of so much. It’s also the inability to even really WANT to know who we really are. The fake Jess is so much easier to like than the real one. She’s fun and easy going. The real Jess is actually anxiety riddled and emotionally scarred. Also, she’s Japanese.

Ok. She’s not really. But how funny would that be? I’m way too tall to be Japanese.

Summertime is coming and I need to get serious about weighing less. This year has brought about a plethora of good eating opportunities and depressed states of being (which for me, equals copious amounts of bad food). On the celebrity fat-ass scale I’m somewhere between Carnie Wilson (post gastric bypass, but after her new pouch stretched back out and got her fat again) and that big guy from Lost (who, in my opinion should have at least lost SOME weight being stranded on that island for all that time. Perhaps there was a McDonalds there. They are everywhere). I need to get serious.

Thanks for reading my blog after all this time and not giving up on me entirely. If you’d like to interact with me, you should probably start a Draw Something game so that I can touch base with you in the free moments I have in the evening. It’s also, ironically enough, the only time I get to use any type of artistic skill these days. So so sad. But true.