You don't see. How could you? You don't even know me that well. I'd post a photo of drunk, naked, sloppy Jess - but any photo of me without clothes on has been burned in a ritual I like to call 'One day I could be famous and no one is seeing my fat rolls". Trust me, Chester - it's for the best. For both your eyes and mine. Or my calves. Something.

Shout out (as requested) to Claire, aka, Kelly, aka Deli who accompanied me on my debauchery filled with only two drinks at a local bar and then no shenanigans whatsoever. Next time, Kel - we will do it old school - get drunk, hit on some random hot guys and then lose someone at a bus stop. Hahahahahaa. Oh the memories. It was also good to see that Chuck Kindred fellow that I went to high school with (Shout Out #2) - who I might add, hasn't aged one day since 1995 and I totally hate him for it. He looks exactly the same, whilst I have to Spackle on expensive make up mixed with dry wall compound to make my face look a little less like a Bassett hound and more like a human being. It's true. My life has been filled with stress and stress makes your face look like those animated raisins that sang for that commercial that one time. OMG - what were they called? Anyone?? My memory is so hazy.

I was watching a cinematic masterpiece the other day - Adventures in Babysitting. Superb quality film. I'm serious. Man, what ever happened to that Elisabeth Shue person? Does anybody know? I have a theory that she made that alcoholic Nicholas Cage movie and it drove her into a deep depression. The only thing that can get her out in the limelight again? Adventures in Babysitting 2. I was trying to think of a porno equivalent title to this, but I couldn't come up with anything really interesting. You go for it, perverted blog reader.

At any rate, (in case you haven't seen it) there's a scene in the movie where the babysitter (Ms. Shue) and the children are hitchhiking with a guy who has a hook for a hand. Everyone is scared bc surely the hook-handed guy is out to get/murder/maul them - but as it turns out, he's just a redneck truck-driver with some domestic issues who lost his hand in Vietnam (I don't remember if they even told how he really lost his hand in the movie or not, so I just guessed it was Vietnam. This is my go-to war reference for amputees). Anyhoo- he has this hook for a hand, and I got to thinking that having a hook as a prosthetic sure doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Of what use is a large metallic hook?? Unless of course, you *are* out to get people. Then it's perfect for you. Or if you do a job all day that uses a hook. Like a butcher. Or a professional crocheter. Or a hooker. Hahahahah. Hookers don't use hooks. I was just playing with the words. I'm a nerd. I do that sometimes.

Sorry. Almost lost you there. I think a more useful prosthetic would be something that you could use day to day. Like a spatula perhaps. That might be handy. Or even a fake hand holding a pen. I don't know about you, but I use a pen WAY more than I use a large metal hook. Oooo, or even one of those adult toys/back massage things (come on, you know what I mean. Don't make me say it out loud). That would get way more action than some primitive tool. Of course, as handy as that might be on lonely nights - no one, and I mean NO ONE - would ever shake your "hand" again. You could use disinfectant as much as you'd like - it wouldn't make a bit of difference.

Woah, look at the time. I had no idea it was so late. I hate to end talking about such perversion, but if you know me at all - you know this is not uncommon for me.