I'm funny and you're not. That's basically what my brain tells me. It also tells me that I'm better than you and I should beat you over the head with a softball bat while you sleep. But I ignore that last part out of strict religious morals and the threat of going to prison. In prison, my jokes will get me no where except on the receiving end of some lesbian gang rape. I'm assuming. I haven't actually been to any prisons. I just imagine that's what it would be like because I'm so cute and vulnerable. And kind to strangers.

I wish I could say that I surround myself by others who reflect this same global image of niceness, but that would be a lie. Most people are assholes. There, I said it. Statistically speaking, I'd say like 80% of people are complete jerks. 2/3 readers of this blog are selfish, ignorant jerk-heads. Maybe 3/4, even.

Well, ok - there's no actual study on who constitutes being a douche bag and who doesn't. But there sure as hell should be. Of course, how on Earth would you even measure such a thing? There would have to be some sort of douche-scale. And some sort of douche-expert. Someone with a Master's Degree in douche-ism... (or Accounting). But seriously, we should have some sort of way to know this about ourselves so we can change ...or at least warn people on dating websites. In fact, I've come up with a system. Just add it up below and then see what sort of score you get. I'm serious. Just do it. If it turns out you're a supremo jerko - you don't have to tell anyone. You can just keep it to yourself. Or you can do yourself a favor and throw yourself off a bridge:

I wear my blue tooth headset piece at all times and have conversations with very important people while shopping, driving, & using public restrooms (+10 points)

The bass from the music in my car is so loud, it sets off car alarms (+5 points). It's a Mexican song (+5 points). It's actually a motorized scooter (+5 points). With a hooker on the back (+20 points)

My car is more than 12 years old, but the speakers are brand new (+5 points). And the rims cost $8000. (+10 points) The flames on the sides were even more than that (+10 points)

I have more photos of my car on facebook than my girlfriend (+5 points).

I have more photos of my cleavage on facebook than I do my boyfriend (+5 points)

I have more photos of my car or my cleavage on facebook than I do of my children (+10 points)

I go to the movies with my screaming baby (+5 points). To see a horror movie (+ 5 points). Ok, it's really an adult movie (+10 points)

I have more than 3 baby daddies (+5 points). And Chlamydia (+10 points).

I throw trash out of the window of my car (+5 points). Bags of trash (+5 points). Empty beer cans (+10 points)

I leave my shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot (+5 points). Even though I'm parked in the handicapped spot right near the cart return (+5 points). I'm not even really handicapped (+5 points).

I spend $100 on my hair-did, but I get food stamps (+5 points). I spend $200 on a purse, but I get welfare (+10 points). I use my food stamps and my welfare to get drugs and booze (+20 points).

I could seriously go on and on and on about this. I could. Maybe I'm a douche-expert after all. The truth is sometimes I just get fed up with the way others act.... Without any vision of consequence or acknowledgement of others. It's disheartening. I volunteered one time at the soup kitchen in downtown Baltimore and so many people were either rude or disrespectful to me. I probably got hit on or insulted more times than I was ever thanked by anyone. People were getting FREE FOOD, donated by others - handed to them by a pretty young girl who was there on her OWN TIME. And they were rude. Go figure.

And you know what - I'd totally do it again. Because it wasn't about them... it was about me. Me doing the right thing. If I ever write an autobiography, I'm totally calling it that. "Me Doing the Right Thing" by Jessica Larson.

It's not grammatically correct though.