I don't handle change very well - I've decided.  And it's not that I don't want to... because I'd love to be a more go-with-the-flow kinda gal.  But I struggle with this.  So keep this in mind when you are delivering me bad news or trying to tell me I smell bad or something.  I might seem to handle it well on the outside, but inside I'm a crumbling, hideous mess.

The year is almost over.  I thought for sure that this year would be better than 2011, but it turns out it was just as crap-filled.  I mean, some things worked out for the better... I got a new job, for example.  But for the most part, emotionally, this has been a year of turbulence.  And change.  Yet again.

A year ago I wrote a blog about people & relationships using the metaphor of furniture... talked about what furniture is really  made out of and how you should surround yourself with quality stuff.  Even if it seems, at the time, to be covered in cheap paint.  Blah blah blah.  You know, I could link it here if I felt like it but (you should be used to this) - I don't.  I'm lazy and unmotivated..... not sure if it's an emotional drain or if it's a result of eating crap non-stop for two days.  The holidays are a bust on my psyche.  Anyway, as it turns out (and keeping with the whole furniture theme), I actually was using cheap IKEA shit the whole time... you know, one of those semi-fancy pieces from the store that looks like it might be nice to have but that actually breaks the minute any pressure is put on it.  So jokes on me.  I guess I should learn an important lesson here about not putting all my money (and emotion, and time) into something that ultimately proved to be cheaply made and easily broken.  I should have just gone without furniture.  Or gotten a hammock.  Oooo, or some of that Amish furniture.. that stuff lasts and lasts.  LOL.  And if I could also figure out a metaphor here that would explain how said furniture was actually just using me, I would - but that just doesn't make sense.   Plus, I seem bitter.  Which, don't get me wrong, I am at times... it's hard to give of yourself so emotionally, financially... physically, with everything you have and it turns out it was all for nothing.  A slap in the face, really.  I guess the lesson here is that I should listen more to my head (and every sane person I am friends with/related to) and realize the obvious signs of being used.  And perhaps stop finding guys on undercoverdouchebags.com.  I'm going to try really hard to not have the whole experience turn me into some bitter anti-love recluse.  Fingers crossed.

While I am making promises to myself about 2013, I'd like to make it very clear that my eating and exercise habits have spiraled out of control.  I'm not grossly overweight... in fact, I think I weigh less this year than I did last, but I'm feeling crappy and I think a lot of it has to do with the accumulation of shit-filled, carb loaded junk I've been shoveling into my face for the last year or two.  I am making a vow this year to stop with the crap diet and do something different lest I end up weighing a metric ton and having to go away to summer fat camp (which, I'd totally do BTW.  I would.) Jamie got me a juicer for Christmas (before you get all "what?!  A guy got you a juicer?!", it's totally what I asked for) and I'm going to start using it come January so I don't die from obesity/malnourishment like every other person on an American diet.

Wow.  This is a negative blog.  I have to say if there's one saving grace for the holidays it's having two little guys who are awesome and who adore me and who don't really see all the extra crap that's going on emotionally in my life.  Anytime I'm feeling worthless I just look to them and I'm instantly reminded that not only do I make a difference but that I'm unconditionally loved by two of the cutest, smartest guys a mom could ask for.  And that's awesome.  I'm so incredibly glad that I'm a mom to them.. it's been such a joy filled ride (stressful at times, no doubt) but it's been eye-opening.  No matter what I am feeling or how much I have going on in my messed up brain, I still am just Mom to them.  So there's an important lesson in that too.  i just hope I can raise them with as much moral conscious as I have.... you know, without messing them up too much.  It's a hard world out there & i can't imagine what it will be like in a few decades when I'm old and wasting away.  (Unless I die of a massive heart attack, which if I don't change my eating habits is bound to happen in the next few years).  I digress...

So to sum up.... Lessons from 2012 to Learn & Live By:

1.  If it walks like a douchebag & talks like a douchebag.... well, you know the rest.  But seriously, invest your time in people who are willing to invest time in you.  Life is short.
2.  Eat better.  It's not as much fun, but I promise it will make you feel better.
3.  Be morally correct.  Be kind.  Stop worrying about yourself... you're really not that big of a deal.  You don't always have to be right.  You don't always have to be in first place. Just be kind.  It's really not so hard.
4.  Post more comments on Jess' blog.  Cause she's awesome & could use the boost.  (figured I'd throw that in for good measure)

I'm sorry this blog doesn't have much of my fanciful prose and sarcastic banter.  I'm in a weird place right now.  On the neuro front, I have to get yet another spinal tap as recent changes in my every-six-months MRI weren't enough to convince the doctor that I have a messed up brain.  Lately, my symptoms have included this lovely thing called trigeminal neuralgia which feels like the after-math jaw pain of a root canal only without the added bonus of having the teeth removed.  And it comes in waves and makes me not want to open my mouth to even speak.  So there's that.  Hey - that might help with the diet.  So, silver lining!

If I don't talk to you beforehand, have a safe and happy New Year.  Please.   Don't drink and drive.  And keep in touch with the people that matter to you... because that's what life is all about.