I fell asleep at 9 last night and my body didn't understand how more than 5 hours in a row of slumber works and woke me up. It's so uncooperative, my body. Waking me up at odd hours of the night...insisting I eat French Onion Sun Chips when it clearly knows I'm dieting. Stupid body. At any rate, I did what most people who cannot sleep do - I watched informercials. Then when I got bored with that, I decided to pillage my external hard drive for old porn. When that proved unsuccessful (apparently I don't save my porn; safer that way when the aliens come) - I decided to look for old blogs instead. And really, the only thing better than an original blog from Jess is reading one from years ago that I've recycled in a cheap attempt to entertain you without having to work very hard. Like Britany Spears only with way more abdominal girth. So here is a blog I wrote 6 years ago, appropriately enough - about not getting any sleep. Enjoy. And if you hate it, well - then blame 28 year-old Jess. She wasn't very funny.

a tapestry of obscenity
Current mood: cranky

December 1, 2005

Top 10 reasons why sleep on a regular basis is highly overrated:

10. Sister Act 2 (and really any movie starring Whoppie Goldberg) actually appealing in a zombiefied state.

9. Bags under eyes double as storage for paperclips and post-it notes.

8. The damn wool is always coming off and getting lodged in places I'd rather not talk about. (I'm sorry - that's the no. 8 reason why SHEEP on a regular basis is highly overrated).

7. Lack of energy to shower and brush teeth makes a great starting point for my lifelong goal to become toothless and stinky.

6. My Jim Brewer eyelids almost always trick my PO into thinking I've smoked a little weed. Joke's on him though - I really have!

5. Room darkening eye mask: $8.99. Soothing white noise machine: $21.99. A chance to hear the 80 year old man behind my house screw a hooker at 1 am: Absolutely priceless.

4. Bed head hair do? Not for almost a week.

3. Drool on keyboard doubles for cleaning out the space bar.

2. I *almost* think I'm funny enough to write a top ten list when I'm feeling exhausted. Almost.

..and the No. 1 reason why sleep on a regular basis is overrated is...

1.

I can't think of a number 1. Maybe because I haven't slept in forever. So Im leaving it blank. This list stinks anyway. I'm going to take a nap. Don't judge me.

So this wasn't so much a blog but a list. I like to do lists, ya know. Humorous top ten ones mostly, but I feel lists in general are very helpful. Grocery lists. To-do lists. Lists of people to kill. You get my point. At any rate, there you have it. And now that I've stumbled across my old myspace blog from many moons ago, I have a ton of old material I can use to avoid writing an original blog. And for that, I am thankful.

As always, feel free to comment. I promise not to make fun of your grammar (to your face).