--So I'm a slacker. This is nothing new. I've already failed one of my 25 New Years Resolutions (see below) by procrastinating on this blog and having it come out later than planned. Shocker. But y'all don't care, so stop yer bitchin. I'm sorry that below I reference Christmas - but I started this over a week ago. For some strange reason, once New Years has arrived, no one wants to even remotely think about the holidays anymore. It's so depressing. All the turkey is gone; all the wrapping paper is thrown out. I can go back to the Walmart without fearing my life. At any rate, enjoy. And I hope your hangover headache goes away in time to watch football.--

I won't dredge up another blog about Christmas songs and how much they suck. I did that once and it caused an uproar. I will say this - am I saddened that I didn't hear that lame Christmas Shoes song about the mother dying while her unsupervised child is panhandling at a mall trying to buy her footwear? Not even a little. And whomever made up that Italian Donkey song should be shot twice in the crotch. I mean, seriously? For starters - why a Donkey? And why Italian? And what the hell do either of these things have to do with Christmas? It's like a bunch of music producers/song writers were sitting around getting high and then blurted out some random things they could throw together.

"I know - a song about cheese! And a trampoline! And a Llama!!"
"Ted, that will never sell to people. Pass me the bong"
"Wait... let's make it the *Christmas* Cheese Trampoline Llama! People at Christmas will like anything."

- in my mind that's exactly how it played out. And for some odd reason, everyone is naked and playing the bongo drums.

So what is everyone doing for New Year's? For those of you that aren't aware (which is probably most of you) - New Year's Eve, in addition to being a time for renewal and copious apologies for any 2010 wrongdoings, is my wedding anniversary. Which, how does that work when your relationship is unstable and you're technically separated? Not that it makes much of a difference to me either way - even when things were super between the two of us, ages ago, New Year's was nothing more than an excuse to drink and hang out with friends. Isn't that what everyone does? Also, a chance to suck face with someone at midnight, break the 11:00 noise ordnance and also eat steamed shrimp. What a bunch of random crap.... I'm always so entertained by other people's holiday traditions. I'd ask for you to leave me a comment telling me what your traditions are, but I know you won't. You're such a jerk. I hope that underwear you got for Christmas gives you a rash.

So here we are. 2011. 1/1/11. Seems like a lot of ones to me. Almost looks like the word HELL. I'm just making an observation, now....not trying to be a pessimist. I'm so sick of people telling me I'm a pessimist. I'm not. I swear. I just have a realistic outlook on life and I'm sarcastic and bitter. I'm actually quite happy most of the time, honest. Eh. I should stop trying to convince you and just learn to not give a shit. *Also* a New Year's Resolution. Here are the rest in case you were curious, or writing a book about me. Or looking to borrow some resolutions for yourself because your too stoned/stupid/lazy to figure some out on your own:

Jess' New Year 25 Resolutions for 2011

25. Eat less dairy. Research shows that those who eat more dairy are fatter than those who do not*. I'd like to eat less dairy for the small, but important reason that dairy products make my farts smell a little like a rotting corpse. I'm sure you didn't need to know that detail, but you're the one here reading my blog. Plus, I'm trying to be more honest. And share more. You're so gonna hate 2011 Jess.

*You think? Research people need to stop researching stuff that is so obvious. I was researching on the internet for this blog and I found an article (I'm not even kidding) that studied the adverse relationship between spending money and being poor. Now they're just mocking us.

24. Be more honest. Honesty is the best policy. Or so they say. That saying really doesn't make much sense to me. I mean, "honesty is the right thing to do" or "honesty will give you a spot in Heaven" - those things seem right. But "honesty is the best policy"? Really? Policy is a government word - and if there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that the government is not honest. They can't be. It's bad for business.

23. Care less. I will elaborate. I won't stop caring about sick people, my friends/family, or the demise of the US health care system - or probably even about natural disasters (although, I really need to care less about them. BAD). I will care less about what others say and do. You should too. I've said it before, and I'll say it again - and I'm not even gonna apologize if you get offended - but people suck. Not only do they suck but almost everyone is insecure about *something* and everyone is scared of *something* (yes, even Chuck Norris). And - as my grandma used to say - everyone wipes their ass after they poop.

22. Eat Better 21. Work out More 20. Lose Weight (Standard New Years Resolutions) I'm sure you are sick of hearing about my food addiction. I knew this was coming, ya know. The "eat healthy" bit. So I've been sorta gorging on food the last week or so in preparation. All sorts of stuff that's bad for me. Cookies. Cakes. Ice Cream. I feel like a fat slug. If you are what you eat, I'm a cesspool of saturated fats and sugar. And Firefly ice-tea flavored vodka.

19. Tìm hiểu làm thế nào để nói tiếng Việt để tôi có thể hiểu những gì họ đang nói về tôi tại các tiệm móng tay. (Learn Vietnamese so I can understand what they are saying about me at the nail salon). This is actually a funny joke since I never get my nails done. I'd rather learn Spanish.

18. Pick smaller numbers when making lists in my blog. Like 3. I'd be done already and focusing my internet surfing on things that matter. Like failblog.

17. Do art stuff. I miss art. Painting mostly. But I miss drawing too. And I don't even partake in photography like I used to. It's mostly because when I have a spare 10 minutes, I compulsively straighten up or fill up my cart at etsy.com with stuff I can't really buy. Sad, but true.

16. Run a half-marathon. I'm already registered. And part of me thinks I did a full one 10 years ago (ten years ago!) so how hard could it be to just do HALF? I mean, sure - I'm older now. I've got crows feet and a stretched out cervix under my belt.... I can tell you this - all the naysayers and non-runners and slackers reading this who think they can't do something like this. You totally can. When I ran that marathon, I was so out of shape - I was working full time. I was eating crap. I swear it's 99% in your head. Only 1% of it is physical. I'm serious. Stop doubting yourself before you even give yourself a chance. I sound like a motivational speaker. But it's true. And stop saying you don't have the time. One of my most favorites quotes is this one: "You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein." And Oprah. Although, she could probably pay for more hours somehow. Or convince the sun and the Earth's orbit to slow down as to allow more days in a year. And then give the sun and the orbit their own show on her network making gobs of money. Sigh. Curse you Oprah!

15. I'm seriously not gonna do 25 of these. I could be here all weekend.

14. Take more naps. What? They shouldn't all be hard.

13. Write more blogs. And in a timely manner, too. Because I often start a blog and get distracted with work, or kids, or a shiny object. And I don't bother coming back to it. I honestly do enjoy writing in here. And not just for you (although mostly), but because I like to write. And also because having droves of adoring internet fans feeds my diminishing self esteem. But mostly the like-writing thing.

12. Read more books. I have no less than 6 books on my bookshelf that are mine and have yet to be read. I should also stop reading the IKEA catalog so much. I swear I don't know why I keep thumbing through it, expecting the contents of IKEA to change. They've been the same for years.

11. That was sorta like two up there. It was! Yuh-huh. Was too! Eh. What do you know? You're wasting your free time reading this garbage. Which reminds me...

10. Less self-deprecation. More self-enlightenment. I am great. I am super. I harbor the secrets to happiness. I like cheese.

9. Get an end-of-the-world emergency kit together. Don't laugh at me... when The Great Tsumani hits, I will be prepared and you will not. And I seriously doubt I'll be able to write blogs living 20 feet below the Earth in my bomb shelter/bunker/hideaway so enjoy this stuff while you can.

8. Stop drinking soda. This one sorta goes along with # 22, but it needs to be by itself. I have a serious, serious problem with Coke Zero. And Diet Pepsi. But mostly Coke Zero. And soda is apparently made of car battery acid and other non-healthy things - at least, that's what I gathered from research*, so I'm gonna cut it out 100%. I'm going to try, anyway.

(*my research consisted of reading one article on WebMD and asking the dietitian at my work about it. I also asked my mother what she thought and she responded, "whatever liquid you choose, it will help the pills go down"**.)

(**this is what I imagine she'd say. I didn't really ask)

7. Stop biting my fingers. And the inside of my mouth. My dentist told me that my two front teeth are starting to get worn down from the constant biting. I mean, the whole reason I passed on bulimia in my teens was because I didn't want to mess up my teeth. It was also the same reason I took out my circa 1995 tongue ring (well that and it started to impede my abilities to eat soft serve ice cream cones). I like my teeth. I don't want them chipped and broken.

Okay, I'm done with this list. I'm sorry. I apologize for having to leave you on such an odd note as my potentially haggard tooth breakdown, but the thought of coming up with 6 more of these resolutions has me exhausted and needing a nap. I have to work today (stupid nursing!) and I can't have an unfinished blog looming about. It wouldn't be right.

This is a year for change. I say this every year, but for some reason this year feels different. If there's one thing that 2010 has taught me, it's that life is too short to waste time on those who aren't respectful, honest and true to you. I've learned a lot this year. I've learned that love is not all you need; you also need honesty, communication, responsibility and intimacy. I've learned that the past will almost certainly always repeat itself, especially if you open yourself to the same exact situations as before. And I've learned that, at the end of the day - when you go to bed and put your head down on your pillow - the only person you have to answer to is yourself. Let 2011 be a fabulous year for all of you. And if you do nothing at all, please make one of your resolutions to be "comment more on Jessica's blog". I promise you it will make you feel all warm and snuggly inside*.

*especially if you are drinking whiskey while leaving said comment.

Happy New Year Blog Friends!