I’ve been trying to write a Thanksgiving Day blog for a few days now – hence the theme not matching the date and all. Seems my working on Black Friday combined with my jaunt to yet another shitty all-you-care-to-eat buffet for Turkey-Day dinner with the fam has had me (for lack of a better term) all tied up doing other things. Rest assured, blog friend, that I would much rather be here with you – making fun of ugly people and cracking jokes at my own expense. Family duties call, I’m afraid. You understand….

Thanksgiving seems like a dumb holiday to me anyway. I mean, don’t get me wrong – giving thanks to those we love and taking the time to appreciate what we have is meaningful. But shouldn’t we do this every day anyway? It’s the same case-in-point that I make about Valentine’s Day. Why do we need a conglomerate of corporate sponsored bullshit to make us stop and say thank you or I love you? Could it be that we (we being people in general and not “we” being us – the cool and distinct variety of the population) generally suck? Could it be, perhaps, that we’re so wrapped up in our day to day hustle and bustle that we actually *forget* to say ‘thank you’ and “I appreciate you” and “you mean so much to me”? I’m willing to bet that the majority of the US population doesn’t even know the true reason Thanksgiving is even celebrated. And no – it’s not a ploy by the National Turkey Federation to boost sales (although, I’m willing to bet they have some sort of conspiracy involving this horrible excuse-for-a-meal bird and its popularity at this time of the year)…

Well, Jess – what *is* the true meaning of Thanksgiving? I’m so glad you asked me. Because you certainly could have googled it yourself and done a little research, but instead you’re a true friend and you allow me the greatest joy I have in life (not counting kitten taxidermy, of course): acting like an expert on a given topic that (in reality) I know nothing about.

The original story of Thanksgiving starts sometime in the 1600’s and (no lie) involves disease, famine and death. Certainly would not make for a pretty mini-series on the A&E network (not that this has ever stopped them, mind you – have you seen “The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty”?) So, the invaders (as I like to call them – some historians refer to them as Pilgrims) knew nothing really at this point, except how to complain and hang out on a boat dying of scurvy, so the ones who were left still alive wandered onto land and met up with some of the natives. Luckily (for both the sake of the invaders and for us, as it seems) the natives took pity on them and decided that rather than let them die off and then plunder their boats for fire wood and pilgrim attire (hindsight!), they’d teach them how to do things – like extracting syrup from a tree and picking corn, etc. Ironically enough, they also taught them how to catch fish, which seems to me like something you should already know how to do seeing as you are traveling on a boat 24/7. But what do I know? Maybe they all hated the taste of fish, ran out of tartar sauce and were trying to live off of Ramen noodles (which, in case you were wondering – were also invented in the early 1600’s*).

So a year or so later, after the invaders were settled, knew a bunch of shit and were ready to give the natives the ole’ heave ho into the Atlantic Ocean – this Bradford fellow decided to have a send off, er, celebration with the natives and gathered a feast together. See – even back then we lacked the inability to celebrate without a gluttonous amount of food. For shame! Rumor is that the feast lasted three days (coincidently, this is about the same amount of time it takes me to digest the 2lbs of turkey neck and pumpkin pie I gobble up each year) and included foods like venison and lobster, all cooked delightfully spiced a’la Native American style. No turkey. No mashed taters. And, oh yeah – no stuffing or marshmallow-covered sweet potatoes, either. (This does nothing to explain why I have yet to find a Thanksgiving buffet in the Baltimore Metropolitan area that doesn’t serve horrid and tasteless food. Next year I’m going to steam crabs, for real).

If I were being a true, honest historian (and when does that ever happen?), I would mention the conflicting stories on the Origin of Thanksgiving, the fighting that occurred between the Indians and the invaders, and the protesting (even now) of the celebration of Thanksgiving by select Native Americans, who feel the story has been misconstrued at their expense.

You think? I mean, really?? Americans have taken a story involving the plight of others and twisted it to benefit them, while at the same time allowing us to celebrate by consuming large amounts of fattening foods and spending our dollars at retail outlets and grocery stores????!

That couldn’t possibly be true.

**Disclaimer: please, Jess-blog readers who have the know-it-all gene, do NOT email /comment/text me about how many mistakes I made referring to US history or to political agenda or to the correct way to consume sweet potatoes, etc. Please. I implore you. This blog is not meant for any seriousness whatsoever and if I were trying to really explain the true meaning of Thanksgiving, I would have used way better reference materials than Google, Wikipedia and the children’s book “Five Silly Turkeys” by Salina Yoon. **

Nonetheless, Thanksgiving is a holiday that spans across countries and nationalities and brings people together to give thanks. And that’s certainly a good thing. Especially right now with all we have to be so glum about: the failing economy, the rate of unemployment…taxes, murder – your favorite blog writer getting diagnosed with MS. There’s a lot to feel shitty about. So something positive is great. It also marks the start of the holiday season and with its twinkling lights and fanciful story-telling, is still one of my most favoritest times of the year. Next to Halloween and my birthday (April 4^th, Chester – better start saving now!)

In conclusion, give thanks and stuff. Tell people you love them. Hug your family members. Eat lots of pie. And most importantly, send me your tasty leftovers.

*I have no idea when Ramen was invented. Go look it up yourself!