So, for those of you who don't know - and if you're a regular Jess-blog reader you should - I'm in a wedding in August and I have to wear a bright blue strapless number that accentuates my chunky-dunk midsection. In a fit of rage, I successfully lost a shit-ton (that's an actual term) of weight a few months ago, then got stressed out and lazy and am now in the process of packing it all back on, bit by fatty bit. Which, ironically enough, will save me the burden of getting said dress taken in (it was too big, but it's starting to fit) - but will, in the long run, cost me my self esteem and around 6 grand for a tummy tuck procedure. Which I'm SERIOUSLY considering.

No, really. I'm not even joking. See that's the problem with being the funny guy - no one ever takes you serious.

Where was I? Wedding. Right. So, anyway - the wedding is a FULL CATHOLIC MASS. What is that - like 10 hours long? I think the ceremony starts on a Friday evening and ends sometimes around Saturday afternoon. I can't decide which plight is more important - finding a pair of comfortable, yet formal crocs (or Keen sandals - I'm not particular) to go with my pool-colored dress, or sneaking in a box of cheap wine under my girdle for the communion (bc you know me - that tiny Dixie cup blood-o-Christ liquor isn't going to keep me going all that time). I'm also faced with the dilemma of what to do if lightening inevitably strikes down upon me in the midst of some 2-hour prayer and I catch the church on fire - mid ceremonial style. How embarrassing would that be? You think 4 weeks is enough time to A. lose weight as to not look like a light blue stuffed cocktail wiener? and B. clean up my sinning ways to a non-condemnable & mostly forgivable level? Please advise.

On a related note, I would think the body of Christ would taste more like cheesecake and less like a bland wafer. I'm sure there's a biblical or symbolic meaning behind this - but the fat girl in me thinks that in actuality, I would be a lot more focused on communion if they were handing out tiny bits of - say - doughnut or funnel cake instead of cubes of white bread. I'm just sayin.

I spend exorbitant amounts of time talking about food and the taste of food and the creation of food and the consumption of food. Seriously. I've got some MAJOR food issues.

I went to the Aquarium yesterday in downtown Baltimore. It was nice. Not $100 for three people (I mean, $21 for children - really?) nice, but a good experience. I mean, for starters they keep the place 108 degrees - I guess so the fish won't freeze to death and of course, so you'll purchase frosty beverages from the $99 concession stands - but come. on. It was soooooo hot there. And about 20 minutes into wandering around the place - both of my children decided they'd seen enough fish/shark/aquatic life and began to torment me into an insane mess by screaming and throwing down on the floor. Wyatt was seriously in the middle of a crowd of people in the rain forest doing that worm breakdance move that was so popular in the late 80's. If I weren't so angry, I'd have been slightly impressed at his white-boy rhythm.... Wesley, on the other hand - his favorite exhibit (I wish I were making this up) was (what he calls) "the box of money", which was merely a clear plexi-glass box with a slit on the top at the beginning of the exhibits that urges people to donate and is crammed full of various denominations of bills. "Look, mommy! A money display!!" Sigh. Culture is lost on them.

Of course, I did what any good mom would do and I dragged them from one window to another shouting 'Look! Another fish! Look.... a fish! Look Wyatt - fishies!!!' and just shrugged at other people walking by when they noticed that I had two boys under each arm headlocks for the duration of my time spent there. It probably didn't help either that I kept threatening to throw them in with the sting rays when they were being bad, but whatever. It's not like I was going to drop them in - Mr. Aquarium Security-Guard - I'm just PRETENDING when I dangle them over the guardrail. Geesh. Lighten up. All in all - it was a fun family outing despite the fact that by the end of the day (after 20$ parking and gas) the entire outing cost me more than an all-inclusive trip for 4 to Guam.

I doubt very much they have all-inclusive in Guam. It's just such a fun country to say. Guam. Go ahead. Say it.

You still with me? Good. I hate it when I get to the end of my blog and then realize that you've wandered off to check on that tub o' vaseline from your watchlist on ebay. I assure you it's yours. Seriously.

Well - I should really try to get some beauty sleep. In light of recent circumstances, my next blog will be focused on famous separations. What? Is that in poor taste? You know me - I like to take stressful, life-altering moments and make them into big, fat jokes. It's what I do.