Actually, my Dad died a long time ago. True story. So that wasn't even a funny joke. I mean, in a sick way it was because not only was it perverted and talking about molestation - but I referenced a person who has been dead for over 20 years. Sick, huh? And just when you thought my jokes couldn't get any lower. Don't underestimate me. I'm crude AND lewd. Ha! I can even rhyme! I could be the first successful white female rapper!

Well, unless you count this chick:

OK, OK - I know... it's Kid Rock. I googled white rappers and he showed up and I thought it was funny that Google somehow classifies this tool as both a rapper and white. I tried to find a female white rapper and nothing struck me as particularly funny enough to include in my blog. Not that *this* is all that funny. But it's past my bedtime and I'm pregnant.

Ha! April Fools! And the joke is on me really because I couldn't even BE pregnant if I wanted to be - which I definitely do NOT want to be.... and I won't get into the reasons why it's not possible, but let's just say that my vagina is a little on the dusty side.

Yep, it's true. I just said "vagina" and "dusty" in the same sentence. Someone should seriously try to stop me from saying stuff like this right out here in the open and everything. It's not good for my reputation.

Did you know that I will be 33 on Easter? That's in a few days for those of you saving up for a special gift. Today is probably the last day you can order me that jumbo case of Vaseline from ebay and have it shipped to my house before my celebrations begin. So get crack-a-lackin! Anyway, where was I - yes, 33 years old on Sunday. On Easter. Did you also know that Jesus himself was 33 when he died for our sins on the cross? I'm not sure where the irony is in this, but I like the coincidence, plus the reference to my abundant biblical knowledge, which I might add - I gained solely by reading those pamphlets the freaky religious people leave on my porch and the feel-good books given out in Chick Fil'a's kid's meals. Don't be jealous. I promise to be on your team when we play group Trivial Pursuit, New Testament addition.

Is there even such a Trivial Pursuit? I hope not. You know, I have the 80's version Trivial Pursuit, which I was so excited about and bought, foolishly thinking it might be easier than the "regular" version of the game. As it turns out, I'm basically still a moron. Somewhere in my warped mind, I assumed every question would be about Duran Duran and Cabbage Patch Kids. Meanwhile, its 90% political agenda and religion. Whatever. Stupid Trivial Pursuit and your little stupid colored pie pieces. You're just like Jeopardy. You make the average person feel retarded. And by average person, I mean me. So, thanks for that.

Seriously, though. Let's get back to Jesus (that'd be a great church slogan, no?). Look at all he had done at 33 and then look at my craptastic list of accomplishments. No, really - I mean, let's do a side by side:

Jesus: Changed water into wine (John 2:1).

Jessica: Drinks way too much wine and vomits on the living room carpet.

Jesus: Caught an abundant amount of fish (Luke 5:3).

Jessica: Smells fishy from a lack of proper bathing.

Jesus: Healed a deaf man with a speech impediment (Mark 7:31)

Jessica: Pokes fun at those with disabilities.

Jesus: Restores a severed ear (Luke 22: 45).

Jessica: Lacks the ability to even sew on a button. I'm not even kidding... I tried to make one of those blankets that you just tie. TIE. I mean, that's like 3rd grade, right? I couldn't even do that....

I could go on and on, but I'm not sure using Jesus to make jokes in my blog is the best way to celebrate Easter weekend. Birthday or otherwise. Plus, I thought my comparison of Jesus to myself would be way funnier. He was probably a magnificent carpenter, too - while I can't put together IKEA furniture without the telephone assistance of someone in Sweden. Yeah, it turns out most things Jesus did were pretty extraordinary, while most things I've done have just resulted in heartache, strange rashes and probation.

Seems like a good note to end on. Until next time, Blog Friends..... Happy April Fool's Day.